


starbucks!emix

by writer_bird



Category: snonk
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, I hate chad, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Moran West's A+ Parenting, Panic Attacks, Verix Clearris being the worst person on the planet, anyway here you go, but anyway in the meantime enjoy felix being big sad hours, emix, emix is too adorable, guess we're finding out why felix hates fire and is claustrophobic in modern times, huh who could have seen that coming, kinda wish they did it would be better, oh look now there's emory angst too, since lakeside and fire magic don't exist in this au, terrible parenting, there is fluff coming i PROMISE, this is why i can't have nice things, why can't my children just be happpyyyyyyyy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 23,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26879254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer_bird/pseuds/writer_bird
Summary: felix needs a job. there happens to be a starbucks near their house. what will they find there?
Relationships: Felix West/Emory Hayes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. the interview

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jerybird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jerybird/gifts).



Felix wasn’t nervous often. Well, okay, that was a fucking lie. They just didn’t often  _ think  _ about their nerves.

But they really needed this job.

In more ways than one, their life depended on it.

If they couldn’t get it… College, out the window. Hell, moving away from home, out the window.

_ I need this fucking job _ .

They knew perfectly well how they looked. A scraggly kid. Scraggly hair, scraggly limbs. They didn’t have a jacket even, although it was full on winter at this point, even though they had to walk ten blocks to this fucking place.

_ Gods, please let me get this job _ .

They felt the  _ fuck me  _ moment they stepped inside the coffee shop. The counters were pristine. The drinks were overpriced to hell and back. The patrons were on phones with Apple AirPods in. They all moved about the store, most of them barely making eye contact with each other or the barista. Some people people meeting up for coffee dates or working on computers with horrifically large jugs of coffee.

Felix wanted to leave. Every eye was on them. Not really. Probably. Sure as hell felt like it.

Their hands and ears were tingling, the whole  _ I was about to fucking freeze off but ooh now there’s warmth so maybe I’ll just hold off on tht but the jury’s still out _ feeling.

The time showed 12:22. Their interview was 12:30. They went into the bathroom and Tried Not to Panic.

12:25 - they came out of the bathroom and looked around.

12:26 - walked up to the counter

12:27 - “Hi, I’m Felix West.”

12:30 - sitting in a back room in front of the interviewer.

Make a good impression, Felix. They didn’t say,  _ wow, you new too?  _ The interviewer looked around their age.

Make a good impression. They didn’t say,  _ Wowwww, love the hair. What a statement. _

_ You. Need. This. Job. Idiot. _

They grinned and held out their hand. They didn’t feel like grinning. They felt like puking. “Felix,” Felix said, even though they were certain that the interviewer had that written down. “They/them,” because they were sure the interviewer didn’t have that written down. Their stomach was a knot of nerves. Interviewer just nodded and jotted something down. Felix relaxed.

“I’m Emory,” the interviewer said. “This’ll be pretty chill. You’re lucky you’re my first time interviewing someone and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Felix laughed a little. “Hey, same.”

Emory flipped a paper over and poised a pen. “So, Felix, why do you want to work at Starbucks?”

*********

Felix got through the standard questions fairly well, but then it came to the… harder questions.

Emory leaned forward. “Tell me about yourself.”

Fuck.

Felix genuinely, utterly, had nothing.

Think on the fly, baby. “Oh, I’m just  _ amazing _ , the coolest person,” Felix said, layering on the sarcasm so it was obviously satire. I mean, would they even  _ be _ Felix if they didn’t have  _ some _ sarcasm?

Emory laughed. “No, but seriously.”

Seriously.

“Seriously, I like reading,” Felix said. “I like telling jokes. Making people laugh.”

“Like just now,” Emory said.

Felix smirked. “Yeah, like just now.”

_ Stop blushing Felix, now is NOT THE TIME _ .

Emory shuffled his papers. “Okay,” he said. “Any questions?”

_ Did I get the job? _

_ Please _ .

“No questions,” Felix said.

“Alright,” Emory said. “I’ll just give this-” he tapped the clipboard on the table. “To the manager and you should hear back from us in about a week. Cool?”

Felix nodded. “Cool.”

********

It was cold outside. Felix stood outside the Starbucks and just  _ breathed _ . The cold air was fucking  _ freezing  _ but also so refreshing.

They didn’t want to go home. 

They went back into the coffee shop. Tucked themself into a booth in the corner. Pulled their laptop out. They had two five paragraph essays to write and a research paper to finish by Monday, not to mention a book to finish for AP Lit. They just couldn’t seem to have the  _ time _ , no matter how late they stayed up.

They rested their forehead on the heels of their palms for a few moments before sighing and pulling their computer out of their bag and powering it up.

It wasn’t that the work was  _ hard _ . There was just so much of it.

They plugged in their Definitely Not Apple AirPods Earbuds into their computer and set off to work.

They were just finishing their first essay, about an hour and a half later, when a coffee cup landed on the table next to them. They looked up.

The interviewer - Emory - was standing there. Felix glanced at the coffee, then at him.

“I didn’t order anything.”

Emory raised his eyebrows, looking at the cup. “Weird.”

Felix folded their arms. They didn’t need fucking charity. “What do you want?”

Emory lifted his hands. “Hey, just coming over to see what you were up to. You know waiting here isn’t going to make you find out if you got the job any sooner, right?” He grinned a little as if to convey this was a joke.

Felix glowered. “What. Do you want.”

_ Felix stop you fucking idiot. _ They couldn’t stop. Their eyes kept drifting back to the coffee Emory had set on the table.

They didn’t. Want. Charity.

Emory looked back at them for a minute. Then, “Nothing.”

He turned and walked away.

Left the coffee there.

Felix ignored it.

********

Half an hour later Felix’s phone started buzzing. They pulled their earbuds out and clicked the screen on. Caller ID said it was Jackie.

Felix picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Fe, great,” Jackie said. “Where the hell are you?”

Felix looked around the coffee shop. Not many people around at the moment. Emory was making coffees behind the counter.

“At Starbucks,” Felix said. “My interview, remember?”

Jackie sighed. “Fe, it’s been hours. When are you coming home?”

_ I don’t want to fucking go home _ . “Soon. Doing some schoolwork.” Already the guilt was resurfacing. They had a feeling they knew why Jackie was calling. “Is everything-”

“No everything’s not okay,” Jackie blurted out. “Mom and dad are fighting again and I’m so sick of it and-”

And Felix was supposed to be there to help. To distract. To make shit better. That was their  _ job _ as an older sibling. They clamped the phone between their ear and their shoulder and started packing up their stuff immediately.

“I’m coming,” they said. “Gotta walk home but then we can go for a walk or something.”

“You’re the best, Felix,” Jackie said. A pause, then, “Gotta go.”

_ Click. _

Felix looked at their phone for a minute before sliding it into their pocket. They straightened up, pulling their bag over their shoulder. Their eyes fell on the coffee delivered by Emory. Still untouched. They hesitated for a minute, then reached out and touched the side of it with one finger. It was still warm.

And it  _ was  _ freezing outside.

They hesitated for another minute, then picked up the drink and took a sip. It was so fucking sweet.

They smiled.

  
  



	2. my way or the highway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> felix's first day on the job, but there's something they have to deal with first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this was for whumptober ;-;

It was Felix’s first day on the job. Moran dropped them off. He looked sideways at them, the car idling. He’d parked in the wrong place, Starbucks was half a block away still, but Felix sure as hell wasn’t going to correct him.

Moran glanced sideways at them. “Don’t expect this every day,” he said.

“I know,” Felix said. Moran had been _very_ clear that he was only dropping Felix off because it coincided with one of Moran’s business trip routes that day. It wasn’t going to be regular.

Like Felix needed any more fucking reminders that they were _nothing_.

Felix didn’t wait for Moran to respond, just pulled the car door open and hopped out.

Moran stepped out of the car too. Felix tensed.

He came around the car towards Felix.

Felix was as frozen as if they’d walked the ten blocks from home through the snow. Even now, only having been outside the car for a few seconds, in their jeans and faded t-shirt they were fucking freezing. First thing they did the minute they were paid was going to be buy a decent jacket.

But that wasn’t why they were frozen now.

Moran was standing in front of Felix. God, they hated how tall he was.

“We have to talk,” Moran said. His tone made it evident he wasn’t asking. Felix forced a smile.

“What about? Want me to bring you a frapp. back?”

Moran wasn’t smiling. “It’s good you’ve got this job,” he said, resting an elbow on the roof of the car. “You can start helping support this family.”

 _No_.

Felix forced their tone level. “What do you mean?”

“You know,” Moran said. His tone was light. His eyes were daggers. “Bills to pay, your sister’s tuition.” He shrugged. “A little extra income around the house will be nice.”

 _No_.

The freedom this job - a _fucking_ paycheck, fucking _freedom_ \- offered them slipped away. Felix grasped for it.

Clumsily.

“It’s my money,” they said. Their hands were shaking. Cold? Or fear?

Moran laughed. It cut into them. “Like hell it is. Your mother and I took you in. You think we had to do that? No. We did it out of the kindness of our hearts. The least you can do is contribute.”

 _No_.

Felix wasn’t thinking straight. This couldn’t happen. This couldn’t.

“No,” they said.

“Look, it’s my way or the highway,” Moran said. He was smirking a little. “I’m more than happy for you to get the hell out of my house. Don’t think Jackie would be too pleased, though…”

 _Fucking monster_.

Felix was shaking. “No.” It was all they could think to say.

“Go on,” Moran said, jerking his head at the Starbucks down the street. “Don’t want to be late for your first day, now do you?”

Felix stared at him. He _couldn’t do this_.

But what could they do?

Their teeth clenched so hard they were getting a headache.

“Fuck you,” they snapped at Moran, shoving past him.

A mistake.

Moran caught their arm, spinning them around, and shoved them against the car. The breath escaped them in a quick burst, and they hissed a few curse words.

Moran grabbed the collar of their shirt, yanked them around. “Look at me.”

Felix smirked up at him. “Yes?”

Moran snorted and shoved Felix away from him. They tried to catch themself on the car but their hand slipped on the side of the car and they ended on the pavement, snow and gravel crashing into their palms, scraping them. Then Moran had their arm and was yanking them up, shoving them against the car again, up in their face.

“You’ve been a _pain in my ass_ since we found you and Jackie, _Nothing_ ,” Moran spat. “You think anyone gives a fuck what happens to you? You think your stupid smirks are going to get you anywhere?”

Felix stared back at him.

“I have a shift starting,” Felix said flatly.

Moran laughed and released them. “Right. Can’t be late for that.” He walked away from Felix, around the car, back in, without sparing them a single glance. The car squealed away, slush kicking up onto Felix’s tennis shoes.

Felix stared at the street where the car had been for a moment, fists clenched, before taking a breath and heading towards the Starbucks.

Inside it was warm, the smell of coffee inviting them in, caressing them. They breathed.

Their new coworker, Emory, the guy who’d interviewed them, grinned from the other side of the counter, raising a hand in greeting.

Felix let out a breath. Nodded briefly to Emory. Went into the bathroom.

They washed their hands, ignoring the stinging from the cuts, and dabbed them dry with paper towels. Another breath.

They were at work now. Leave all the shit behind.

Leave it all behind.

Another breath.

They pushed back out into the coffee shop. The scent of coffee greeted them. They headed over to the counter.

“Hey,” Emory greeted them. “You ready for day one?”

Felix smirked. It felt forced, like a mask, but it was the best they could do. Their palms stung. “So fucking ready.”

“Great.” Emory tossed them a green apron. “Consider yourself initiated.” He jerked his head. “Come on, I’ll show you the ropes.”

Another breath.

In.

Out.

Leave it behind.

They smirked at Emory. “Awesome.”


	3. customer complaints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emix meets a karen

Everything was going well.

Felix and Emory got into a good rhythm. There were other employees, too, but Felix and Emory’s shifts overlapped most often. They took turns working the back and working out front with customers, although Felix had the feeling that Emory was anxious sometimes when Felix would interact with the customers.

Fine, so Felix could be a _little_ sharp around the edges, but they knew how far to go and when to stop. Most of the time.

The first few weeks, Felix was practically tip-toeing around, terrified they were going to fuck this up, they were going to lose the job, they were going to-

But they didn’t.

And it went okay.

For a bit.

Until it very suddenly didn’t go okay.

It was a Monday morning. Felix was working the counter. Emory was in the back restocking cups.

And a customer took offense at Felix’s… everything.

She was a blonde middle aged woman with folded arms. An impatient, pinched expression. “I don’t understand why they have teenagers like you working here,” she said.

Felix tensed.

“It’s just ludicrous. You’re not mature enough.” She waved a hand at Felix’s head. “And you don’t even bother to look presentable. Cut your hair, why don’t you.”

Felix resisted the urge to laugh. She should see Emory’s hair. Long and silver, it would probably give her a heart attack. Felix plastered on a fake smile. “What can I get you?”

The woman snorted. “What can you get me. I come here every single week. You should know my order by now.”

Felix gritted their teeth. “I’m new.”

“Hm.” The woman looked very dissatisfied, but she placed her order nonetheless and Felix set about making it.

When Felix handed the coffee over, the woman looked at it. “This isn’t right,” she said.

“What do you mean.”

“This _isn’t right_. It’s not the right order. You made it wrong.”

Felix looked at the cup. They looked at the woman. “No I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.” The woman sniffed the drink - as if _that_ was going to tell her anything - and wrinkled her nose. “This is wrong.”

Before Felix could explain that _no,_ they’d made it _exactly_ according to her order, she turned around and dropped the drink in the trash can.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Felix said, before they could stop themself.

The woman turned back and glared at them. “Don’t you dare swear at me,” she said. “I want to speak with your manager. Right now.”

Felix was stiff. “Why.”

“Because this behavior is intolerable! You should be fired!”

_Fired._

No. Felix needed this job.

Just then, Emory appeared from the back. His eyes swept the scene, taking in the woman’s pinched face, Felix’s clenched fists.

“You, you know me,” the woman said to Emory. “This new worker made my drink wrong.”

 _Oh, so you’re fine with_ his _hair,_ Felix wanted to mutter, but they stopped themself. They needed this job.

Emory smiled at the customer. “No worries, ma’am.” He jerked his head to Felix, gesturing to some other customers waiting.

Felix quietly moved over and started taking their orders. They were hyper-aware of Emory remaking the woman’s drink, of the woman’s eyes on the back of their head as they made a chocolate latte for another customer.

The woman left. The line of customers slowly got shorter and shorter as business slowed down. Soon it was closing time.

Felix was scrubbing a counter particularly angrily, avoiding looking at Emory. Emory finished filling out a slip of paper documenting some shit or another, and came over.

Felix very consciously did not tense and did not acknowledge their coworker.

“Don’t worry about it,” Emory said after a minute. “Customers do shit like that sometimes.”

“I’m not fucking worried.”

“You’re right, you don’t look worried at all.”

Felix threw down the washcloth and turned to glare at Emory, arms folded tight. “What do you want?”

Emory tilted his head. “You’re upset.”

“I’m not _fucking upset_.”

“Okay,” Emory said. He turned and started refilling the straws.

For some reason, that pissed Felix off. “Why the fuck is it any of your business how I’m feeling?” they asked.

Emory said nothing.

“I mean, I don’t even know you,” Felix said. “How I’m feeling is none of your fucking business.”

Emory glanced up at them. “Sorry. I’ll back off.” He slipped off into the back room.

Felix stared down at the counter.

What the hell was wrong with them?

They took a short breath. Closed their eyes for a minute.

They needed this job.

They went into the back room. Emory was sweeping.

“I’m sorry,” they said.

Emory looked up. “For what?”

“Being an ass.” The words felt flat in Felix’s mouth but they forced them out.

“You weren’t an ass.”

Felix raised their eyebrows, and Emory laughed. “Okay, you were, but it’s fine. I get it.”

Sawdust mouth. “It’s not fine.”

“Okay,” Emory said.

Awkward silence.

It was almost the end of their shift. Emory looked over at Felix. “Want to head out together?”

 _Yes_.

 _No_.

“It’s chill,” Felix said. They looked out the window at the snow drifting gently down. Forced a laugh. “Literally.”

“Okay,” Emory said. “See you tomorrow, then.”

It was cold outside. Felix stood in the snow for a minute, letting it gather on their hair, on their eyelashes, eyes closed.

They breathed. Cold air. A sharp relief and a pain at the same time.

If they could have stayed at the Starbucks all the time…

but they couldn’t.

That wasn’t life. That wasn’t reality.

And anyway. They didn’t really think Emory wanted to be around them anyway.

Another breath.

They headed home.


	4. liam, claustrophobia, oh and a jacket

Felix and Jackie went to hang out at Starbucks. It was a day that Felix wasn’t working, but there wasn’t much to do at home and Jackie wanted to see where Felix worked, so there they were. They both had work to do, anyway.

“Oooh,” she said upon entering. “It’s cozy.”

Felix laughed. “Yeah. What do you want, I’ll go get drinks.”

“Unicorn frappe,” Jackie said, already sitting down at one of the tall tables and flipping her computer open.

“Why am I not surprised,” Felix said. Jackie stuck her tongue out at them.

Felix leaned against the counter and waited patiently. It was a fairly busy day and they knew all too well how it felt to be rushed. Asra, one of Felix’s other coworkers who took the shift after theirs and Emory’s, slid over to them after helping another customer.

“Hey Felix! Weird seeing you without the apron.”

Hm. Asra was working today.

“Ha. Yeah.” Felix pointed out the unicorn frappe that Jackie wanted and a latte for themself.

“How come you’re in here today?” Asra said. “I would think you’d be sick of this place enough with all the hours you work.”

“Asra,” Felix said.

“Hm?”

“I am not one of the random customers you can have a full blown conversation with just because you like talking to everyone.”

Asra cackled and scooted away to make their drinks. Felix turned to lean against the counter and stiffened. They saw one of the regulars. Not someone they wanted to have a conversation with while they wanted for their drinks. Vers was wearing all dark clothing per usual, with his plaid scarf, and he had a notebook and his fucking psychology textbook under one arm - he was no doubt here to study, that or people-watch, as he fucking always was - and his stupid fucking gray hair was all rumpled like he’d just rolled out of bed.

“Oh, hi,” he said, stopping next to Felix and drumming his fingers on the counter before turning to face them fully. “You’re not behind the counter today.”

“Nope,” Felix said tersely.

They didn’t like Vers.

His eyes were too piercing, he was too good at picking up on what Felix was thinking. It reminded Felix of-

“How come?” Vers tilted his head.

Just then Asra called Felix’s name, and a surge of relief rushed through them. They didn’t fucking  _ like _ talking to Vers.

“Bye,” they said tersely, before leaving him behind at the ordering counter.

Jackie accepted her coffee excitedly and then peered at Felix. “Why do you look disappointed?”

“Hm?”

“You look disappointed,” she said.

“I’m not fucking disappointed.” Felix glanced behind the counter again. Asra was chatting with another customer, grinning and making a coffee at the same time.

“Who are you looking for?”

Felix’s attention snapped back to Jackie. “ _ What _ ?”

Jackie smiled at them innocently. “You’re in looove.”

Felix slid their chair back. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Were they in love?

Well, not in  _ love _ . But did they- was it possible they  _ liked _ -

No. No no nope. Emory was a fucking idiot. Just because Felix had been slightly disappointed to see Asra working rather than their other coworker, just because their heart had skipped a beat when Emory’s arm brushed theirs the other day…

That didn’t mean anything.

Besides.

Felix remembered the last decent length conversation they’d had with Emory, after the stupid fucking customer had thrown away Felix’s drink. Felix had pushed him away pretty much as much as possible.

Yeah, that ship had sailed. Long ago.

Felix sighed and leaned against the wall outside of the bathroom, pressing their palms to their eyes. Why were they such a fucking mess?

“Hey there,” a voice said.

Felix looked up. It was a tall guy, maybe six feet tall, blue eyes, black hair, a charismatic smile that was just a little too sweet. Looked like he was Felix’s age, or maybe a year older.

Felix instantly didn’t like him.

“What.”

The guy smiled slightly. “I can’t say hi to a cute someone?”

Felix snorted. “You can, but why.”

The guy leaned a little and put his hand on the wall, not  _ very  _ near Felix, but definitely not far, and he was now taking up the entire hallway, and he was too close and Felix was very fucking tense.

“Like I said,” the guy said. “You’re cute.” A pause. He held his hand out. “I’m Liam.” He smiled a smile that gleamed, that said he was rich, that said Felix should shake his hand, Felix should like him, he probably had an expensive car.

Felix hated people like this.

Felix let out a sharp laugh. At least, they hoped it sounded sharp and annoyed. It felt brittle. “Ha. Nice. Fuck off.”

Liam pursed his lips. “Wow, just giving me no chance?” He leaned forward and tilted his head. “Is that a scar? Intrigue. What’s the story there?”

Felix was stiff. They didn’t have enough space. They. Didn’t. Have. Enough. Space.

“Hey, no need to look at me like that,” Liam laughed. “Although you’re cute when you’re glaring.”

Felix clenched their fists. Smirked at Liam. “How about you fuck off now.”

Liam’s hand landed on Felix’s shoulder. “Want to go get a drink?”

Felix’s entire body was rigid.

Something knocked Liam’s hand away. Liam turned. Felix turned.

Emory was very much in Liam’s face. “Hey there,” he said, and his voice was deadly. quiet.

Felix stared at their coworker, but Emory’s attention was on Liam.

“Can I help you?” Liam asked.

“You’re blocking the way to the bathrooms,” Emory said. He grinned. “You really don’t want to see customers when they don’t have access to the bathrooms. That’s a happy crowd.”

Liam tilted his head. Felix did not fucking like his face. “What are you really doing here?”

“I work here. So does Felix, and they’re late for their shift.”

Felix glanced at Emory, who was still staring down Liam.

Liam raised his hands. “Sorry, my bad.” He grinned at Felix past Emory. “See you around.” He slipped past Emory and away. Felix saw him leave the Starbucks.

Emory had been standing uncomfortably close to Felix too, in order to be between them and Liam, and now he scooted away from Felix immediately.

“Are you okay?”

Felix found it slightly difficult to summon their smirk. Their hands were trembling slightly. They forced a grin after a second, though. “Yeah, of course. Didn’t realize I was working today, though.”

Emory let out a little helpless laugh. “Yeah, sorry. Didn’t know how else to get him to go away.”

Felix looked past Emory. Jackie was chatting on the phone happily, he could tell by the back of her head. So she hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. Good. If Felix had one goal in life it was not upsetting Jackie.

Emory followed their gaze. “Who’s that?” There was an odd look in his eyes.

“My sister,” Felix said.

“Oh,” Emory said. “Ohh. Neat.”

Felix tilted their head. “What?”

“Nothing,” Emory said. Was he  _ blushing _ ?

“Sure,” Felix said.

Awkward silence.

“Well,” Emory said. “I should.” He gestured vaguely away.

Felix nodded, overly seriously. “Probably wise.”

Another minute of awkward silence, then Emory left.

Felix thudded the back of their head against the wall softly. Why were they always fucking up?

Whatever. Whatever. So what?

They headed back to Jackie. She’d put the phone down and was just finishing her coffee.

“You’ve been gone foreverrr,” she said, pushing Felix’s elbow as they sat down. “We were supposed to hang out together.”

Felix sighed. “Sorry. People keep fucking talking to me.” Asra, then Vers, then fucking Liam. Emory was the only one they hadn’t minded talking to them, and they’d fucking scared him off again.

Jackie giggled. “Why? You’re so grumpy.”

“Gee, thanks.” Felix sipped their coffee finally and stared down at the table for a minute. They were hyper aware of the walls and the ceiling, and for once, for the first time since starting working here, the walls and ceiling felt too close, too small.

Jackie didn’t seem to notice. Felix clenched their fists on their knees under the table. They could not have a fucking panic attack right now. They could  _ not _ . They were literally surrounded by people. And  _ Jackie _ .

Their breath was coming in short gasps but they clenched their teeth they could not have a fucking panic attack this could not happen not now not now-

And then Emory was there. “Felix, I need help,” he said. “The new espresso machine is here out back and Asra isn’t helping me bring it in.”

Felix shoved away from the table a little too fast. “Cool, sure.” Glanced at Jackie. “Be right back.”

The cold air hit Felix in a blast the minute they stepped out the door and  _ immediately  _ they could breathe again. Emory followed, but hung back, looking apprehensive.

Felix took a few breaths. Thank  _ god _ .

Then they glanced around. There was no espresso machine.

“You okay?” Emory asked.

Felix turned to him, prepared to snap his fucking head off, but then they remembered that Emory had indeed just rescued them from a fucking panic attack in front of their little sister.

Felix snorted. “I’m fine.” They were shivering a little, but better shiver than shake.

“You look fine,” Emory said. He leaned against the wall. “Was it that guy?”

_ No. _

Small walls. Low ceiling. Closing in.

“Yeah,” Felix said. “He was an ass.”

“Yeah,” Emory said.

Silence.

It wasn’t quite as awkward this time.

“Thanks,” Felix said.

“No problem,” Emory said. He glanced sideways at Felix. “You look fucking freezing.”

Felix shrugged.

“One minute.” Emory slipped back inside the building.

Felix took a shuddering breath. This day was  _ insane _ .

Emory reappeared and before Felix knew what to do or say, he had draped a jacket over their shoulders. It was just a little too big.

“There you go,” Emory said.

Felix stared at him. Somewhat in shock.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Felix struggled to form their thought, to put it into words. “Why are you being so fucking nice to me.”

Emory looked at them for a minute, seeming to consider something. Then he shrugged. “I like you.”

Felix tucked their arms into the jacket for something to do, something to look at briefly, to cover whatever weird fucking expression they were sure was on their face. They felt hot.

_ I like you _ .

What the fuck, what the fuck, Felix was literally the most assholery asshole in the world, why did Emory  _ like  _ them, and did he mean like them like as a coworker, or  _ like  _ like them?

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

Felix finished putting the jacket entirely on -  _ gods it was warm holy shit  _ \- and looked back at Emory.

“Oh,” they said. “Chill.”

Emory laughed. “Sorry, probably not helpful after the whole debacle with that guy. I mean, I don’t even know if you-“

Felix’s heart skipped a beat.

Maybe he did mean  _ like  _ like.

They smirked. “If I….”

Emory was red. “Nothing. Nothing, forget it.”

“Come on,” Felix said. “I know you’re dying to ask.”

Gods, he was cute when he was flustered.

“Ifyou’reintoguys,” Emory said, all in one breath.

Felix grinned. Their heart was pounding, but not the kind of pounding that came from a panic attack. “Oh, interesting question, interesting,” they said.

Emory shoved their arm. “Wow, asshole, way to answer.”

Felix snickered. “Guess.”

Emory’s face was bright, bright red. “Um. I mean. Uh.”

“I am,” Felix confirmed. They paused. “Not assholes like Liam - that guy back there - though.”

“No, good,” Emory said. “That guy sucked.”

“Mhm,” Felix agreed.

Silence.

It wasn’t quite so awkward this time.

“Thanks for the jacket,” Felix said. They shrugged one arm out. “I should head inside, though, Jackie’s probably flipping out.”

Emory held up a hand. “Keep it,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Emory said. “Looks better on you.” He glanced at his watch. “Oh shit Asra’s going to kill me.”

Felix laughed. “Can’t have that.” They waved and Emory ducked back inside.

Felix leaned against the wall for a minute and breathed. The jacket was warm. The first one they’d owned in a long time. And it was  _ Emory’s _ .

Felix closed their eyes for a second and smiled.

Maybe they hadn’t scared him away quite as much as they thought they had.

  
  



	5. the closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a reason felix is claustrophobic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly different than the rest of the chapters so far, this is the first one that doesn't take place in starbucks! flashback time...

0

Moran’s grip around Felix’s arm _hurt_ and they pulled against it but it was too tight and Moran was pulling them down the hall and _no no no no no no no_.

At least Jackie was out back. At least she didn’t have to see the tears streaking down Felix’s face.

Moran yanked the closet door open.

_no no no please no-_

Shoved them in. They hit the far wall because it wasn’t very fucking _far_.

_no no no_

the door slammed shut and Felix heard the click.

darkness

everywhere.

The closet was a few feet across in both directions but there was a shelf that took up half of the space, linens stacked on it, so Felix really only had a very _fucking small space_.

“Why?” Felix shouted, their voice breaking a little. They were thirteen now, they were taller, this was fucking awful-

Moran’s voice came through the door. “You have to learn respect sooner or later, Felix.”

His footsteps

walking

away.

Felix’s breath came in panicked gasps and they pressed against one of the walls, eyes closed even though it made no difference because Moran always turned the hallway light off anyway so no light came through the bottom of the door.

the walls

closing in

tears streaked down Felix’s face and they were shuddering, they slid down to the ground and curled up, wrapping their arms around their knees, which were pressed against the other wall, the walls were so close the ceiling was so low the shelves were digging into Felix’s side-

_how long was it going to be this time?_

last time it had been three hours. The longest time yet. That had been a year ago. Felix had been treading carefully since then.

but they couldn’t help but fuck up.

1

Felix tried to cry silently, they didn’t want to upset Jackie, they didn’t want her to pass the closet and try to open it because then it _would be her in here_ , and they cried and shook until there just. weren’t any tears. left.

_why why no please no please_

it had to end soon

right?

2

Felix tried not to think. Just curled up, the walls pressing in on every side, waiting

waiting

waiting

3

Felix was pretty sure it had been three hours. They were getting close, they would be out soon, they would apologize, they’d be able to go outside _go outside fuck outside i need to go outside_ and they could barely breathe but it was okay it was fine they were getting out soon.

4

no one had come by

felix maneuvered themself up so they were standing, and shifted around, thinking that maybe this would be better, at least their legs wouldn’t cramp, but it wasn’t better, it was worse, they were standing and they couldn’t move and they just wanted to _run_ and _please_

5

they tried to break the door down, shoving, there was no room to kick but they pushed and jiggled the doorknob but it was locked, it was unyielding, they were hungry, they couldn’t breathecouldn’tbreathecouldn’tbreathe oh _fuck they had no air please i can’t breathe please please please_

6

felix was back on the ground, their arms over their head, their whole chest was tight and their legs were cramping and their hands were shaking and they just- couldn’t- think and oh fuck they were so fucking hungry and so thirsty-

7

felix slept and dreamed of horrors coming to kill them, emerging from the darkness and squeeeeeeeeeezing the life out of them

8

felix cried out in their sleep and someone slammed a fist on the door.

felix jerked awake - confused, looking everywhere, panic panic where were they, why was it dark- then they stood up and their head cracked into a shelf and they stumbled back and slammed into a wall and they were sobbing and breathing quickly and moran shouted-

“shut the fuck up and calm down or you’re never getting out”

9

felix had given up hope of ever getting out

they curled up as tight as they could

and just

sat

10

another fist on the door. felix jerked up, eyes flying open, it was still dark, they were so hungry, so tired, so dizzy, their head was light and they thought they might pass out-

“Have you learned your lesson?”

a breath burst from felix. they might. get. out. after. all.

“yes,” Felix gasped. “yes yes yes i have.”

a beat

“I don’t believe you,” Moran said.

Felix scrambled up and pressed their hands to the door, forehead leaning against it - they would have been crying but they’d used up all the excess water in their body crying ages ago - “i _have_!”

“Hm.” Moran sounded unconvinced.

Felix slid to the ground, sobbing and trying not to dry heave. “ _please_ ,” they whispered. then forced their voice louder because moran _had_ to hear them. he _had_ to. “ _please_ , i have, just please let me out, i promise i’ll- i’ll be- respectful, i’m _sorry_ , please-“

silence

felix squeezed their eyes shut _please please please please please_

the door opened and felix tumbled out, they’d been leaning against the door, they fell into the hallway, which was still dark

they were alone in the hallway, moran had already walked away, which was good, felix didn’t want him to see them crying like this-

they staggered up and stumbled, catching themself on the wall. another sob tripped out of them.

they saw through one of the windows in the kitchen the sun going down

they’d been in that closet

for

ten

hours


	6. pancakes or waffles?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is.  
> hoo boy.  
> it's a chapter.

Felix was grateful for their Starbucks job. Half of the money they made went to Moran, who had got Felix’s paycheck schedule from Felix’s supervisor, and knew almost the moment Felix was paid.

Half of the money went into the shoebox buried deep, deep under Felix’s bed.

“We’re getting out of here,” Felix said quietly, sitting on the end of Jackie’s bed and leaning against the wall. “The minute I turn eighteen we’re leaving. I’m saving up.”

Jackie’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “What?”

Felix tapped their thumb against their index finger absently, the flare of pain from the not-quite-healed-burn grounding them, reminding them why they were doing this. “We’re getting out of this fucking house.”

“But-“

“But _what_ , Jackie? Tell me you’re happy here. Tell me you’re happy and I’ll never bring it up again.”

Tap, tap, thumb against index finger. Jackie was never burned, she never got locked in the fucking closet, but she sure as hell wasn’t happy. Felix saw it in her face every day.

They _had_ to get her out of here.

“But what about mom and dad?” Jackie whispered.

Felix’s gut twisted. “What about them.”

“They’ll be so upset, if we- if we leave.” There was a mixture of fear and shame on Jackie’s face. Felix fucking hated that.

“I won’t let them hurt you,” Felix said. “I promise.”

Jackie still looked unsettled, but she nodded.

About a week later, Felix was tucking half of their last paycheck into the shoebox, running through a list in their mind. Food, water, shelter. They’d have to get all of it, and fast, when they got out of here. There were a few months until their next birthday. It wasn’t enough time, and yet at the same time, it couldn’t come fast enough.

Felix slid the shoebox back as far as it could go and stood, running their hands through their hair. The walls pressed in on them. They had to get out of here.

They turned, and Ola was in the doorway. She smiled at them.

“Hello, Felix. What are you doing?”

_Don’t look at the bed don’t look at the shoebox don’t look she can’t know-_

“Not anyone at the moment, if that’s what you were asking,” Felix said, smirking. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be the first to know if I get a partner.”

Deflect.

Deflect.

Deflect.

Ola’s smile didn’t slip at all. “Okay, Felix.” And she left.

 _Fuck_.

Felix moved the shoebox. It was under Jackie’s bed now, and she shuffled some of her jackets in front of it to hide it.

Still.

Felix couldn’t get Ola’s gaze out of their head.

Next Monday, they went to work. Leaving that morning, something felt… off. It was in the way that Ola looked at them as they hurriedly packed breakfast, eager to be out of that fucking house. The way she smiled, just slightly.

Something was wrong.

Felix couldn’t shake the _wrongness_ feeling in the pit of their stomach even at work, which was odd. Normally they were decent at leaving home shit behind when they got to work, but this time they just _couldn’t_.

Emory noticed. “Hey,” he said. “You good?”

Felix set down a customer’s cup a little too hard. “Fine.”

Their phone buzzed in their pocket. The unexplained dread that had been stewing in their gut peaked. Something was wrong. Something had happened. Something was wrong.

Emory must have noticed the panicked look on their face. “Everything okay?”

Felix slid their phone out of their pocket and glanced at the screen. A message from Jackie. Everything else in the Starbucks vanished; it was just Felix and Jackie and _dread._

_Jackie: Felix, mom's taking me out to dinner tonight. Gonna have to postpone game night._

_Felix: out to dinner?_

_Jackie: Yeah_

_Felix: why_

_Jackie: I don't know. She's in a good mood, it'll be fun_

“Felix?” Emory asked again. Felix looked up. They were gripping their phone so tight it was probably making indentations on their fingers.

“Yeah,” they managed. “Everything’s fine.”

Emory didn’t look convinced. Felix didn’t blame him. Dread. Their hands were trembling. Ola’s smile.

 _Dread_.

For Jackie, it was a nice evening. She and Mom went to see a movie, something they hadn’t done in forever, and they got soda and popcorn and thin mints. After that, they went out to eat at the Cheesecake factory. In the car between places, Mom handed over her phone and Jackie got to blast her favorite music.

Jackie was halfway through her slice of chocolate cheesecake when Mom reached out took her hand.

“Jackie,” she said, and her eyes were wide with concern.

“Yeah?”

Mom hesitated, then shook her head. “No, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t burden you with it.”

“Mom, what is it?”

Mom sighed. “It’s Felix. I’m- they haven’t been quite themself lately. I’m worried about them.”

“Oh,” Jackie said, taken aback. She took a moment to eat another bite of cheesecake, thinking. She didn’t know what she had been expecting, but it wasn’t that. It wasn’t Felix. “What do you mean?”

“They seem troubled,” Mom sighed. “I don’t know how to help them, Jackie. What if they’re going to do something that ends up hurting themself?”

Jackie bit her lip. Considered.

There was genuine concern in her mom’s eyes. And she was worried about Felix too.

“We can keep it between us,” Mom said. “I’m just worried about them.”

Jackie took a deep breath and nodded. “Me too, mom.”

And she

explained.

Ola made the call when Jackie was in the bathroom.

Something was wrong. Felix sensed it the moment they stepped into the house that evening when their shift was over.

Danger.

Moran was waiting in the kitchen, sitting at the table. He stood up when Felix walked in.

“How was work?”

“Fine,” Felix said tersely. They glanced around. “Jackie still out?” They’d made it a policy not to even mention Ola in Moran’s presence, because they couldn’t bring themself to call her mom, and when they called her Ola…

“Yes,” Moran said. “Now you and I need to talk.”

He picked something up from the chair next to him and set it on the table.

Felix’s heart

stopped.

It was the shoebox.

“Care to explain?” Moran asked.

Felix couldn’t breathe. He knew. He knew. He’d found out. Shit, shit, shit.

They tried to keep their voice level. “I don’t know-”

Moran was in front of them in an instant, shoving them back. Felix’s back collided with the closed door.

Moran’s voice was dangerous and low. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Felix.” His hand was by his pocket.

Felix couldn't breathe.

Moran shook his head and scoffed. “Of course you’re too much of a coward to even give me a straight answer,” he said. His hand went into his pocket. It withdrew.

 _Click_.

The flame was next to Felix’s cheek, in Moran’s hand, the same hand that was holding their collar. Felix could feel the heat, see the flame, they wanted to close their eyes but that would involve taking their eyes off Moran.

“What is the money for, Felix?” Moran’s voice was dangerous. Low. The fire licked Felix’s cheek and they flinched back, but they were against the door, Moran was holding their collar, there was nowhere to go.

 _Anything_. Say anything, just not the truth. Moran didn’t give a shit about Felix, he’d probably be glad they were gone, hell they might even be kicked out when the turned eighteen, but if Moran knew they were planning on taking Jackie with them...

“Present,” Felix managed. “For Jackie.” The pain in their cheek peaked and they jerked away, and Moran let them, releasing their collar. Felix stumbled away, they didn’t know where they were going, just putting distance between them and Moran.

“A present,” Moran said. “For Jackie.”

“Yes.” Felix resisted the urge to touch their face. Their hands were shaking.

“Hmm,” Moran said. He tossed the lighter onto the kitchen table near Felix and turned and opened a cabinet, taking out the canister of coffee. Felix was frozen, glancing between the lighter and Moran. Was it safe to leave the kitchen? Was he done with them?

Almost casually, Moran said over his shoulder- “Not planning on taking Jackie and leaving, are you?”

 _Fear_.

Felix’s throat was dry, constricted. Their hands clenched into fists to hide the trembling. “No,” they said.

Moran reached over and filled a pot with water, flicking the stove on. It was a gas stove, it sputtered to life, and flames licked the bottom of the pot; Felix looked away, swallowing hard.

“No?” Moran said, raising his eyebrows. “Because Jackie seemed pretty sure.”

Felix was

stiff.

ice

they were inches from shattering.

“I’m not,” Felix said quietly. Moran turned around, and his face was filled with rage, and he was moving fast, and he was too large and too fucking terrifying and Felix was frozen and they couldn’t do anything-

Moran’s hand wrapped around Felix’s wrist and yanked them forward, got in their face.

“Don’t you _ever_ think of taking my daughter away from me,” he hissed, and then he was dragging Felix forward.

Knocking the pot aside.

The open fire on the stove.

And then Felix’s hand was in it.

They were pretty sure they’d screamed, but the dark spots dancing in their vision and the overwhelming pain made it hard to remember. Moran had held their hand in the fire _too long too long so much pain_ -

And then he’d just left them on the floor of the kitchen. “Your mother and sister will be home soon.”

Felix’s entire body was wracked with sobs. They were shaking. They knew they should feel more pain than they did, but they had a horrible, horrible feeling that their nerve endings were destroyed. They remembered reading up on burns the first time Moran had introduced them to the lighter, learning about the different degrees.

This was definitely third.

This was bad.

They had to get help.

They staggered up, stumbled, caught themself on the wall.

If they didn’t get help this was going to get infected, they couldn’t leave it, this wasn’t like a lighter burn, this was big, this was bad-

They couldn’t call 911. They couldn’t bring the police here, that would be bad in every way for everyone, and besides, Felix couldn’t afford an ambulance ride to the hospital.

Their hands were shaking. Tears made it hard to see, but they clicked into their contacts and found the one they were looking for.

The only reason they even had his number was because of some stupid work thing, but right then they didn’t care that they’d never texted him before, they just prayed that he’d answer, prayed he’d be nearby. They had to get out of here and get this fixed before Ola and Jackie got home.

They sent their first text and collapsed onto the floor in the corner, pressed against the cupboards on two sides, shaking, trying not to throw up, waiting.

It was only a minute before Emory responded.

_Felix: you busy?_

_Emory: Hey! Not really, you?_

_Felix: i need help_

_Emory: What's up?_

_Felix: no_

_Felix: need togo to hospital_

_Emory: OMG on my way are you okay_

Felix knew they should answer Emory’s text, tell him they were okay. They knew they’d just scared the fuck out of him, this wasn’t fair, they barely knew each other, this _wasn’t fair to him_ , but Felix wasn’t thinking straight, they were most definitely in shock, they just

had

to

get

help.

All they could manage was shooting Emory their address before dropping the phone, their good hand was shaking so much.

A frantic knock on the door maybe fifteen minutes later. Felix hadn’t moved from their position pressed into the cabinets on the floor. They didn’t know where Moran was but he couldn’t- get to the door- first-

Felix stumbled up and made it to the door, only pausing so they didn’t pass out twice. They wrenched it open. Emory was standing there on the doorstep _this was so fucking surreal_ , his face white with fear and worry. Felix swallowed. This wasn’t fair to him.

“Felix, thank _God_ ,” Emory said. “I thought something had happened. I thought you were-”

“I’m okay,” Felix said. Their voice sounded unsteady, broken, this wasn’t fair to Emory, he was seeing them at their lowest, lower than their lowest- “I just need a ride to the ER.”

For a split second, Felix saw Emory glance sideways at Moran’s car parked on the street, but then he nodded. “Okay, yeah,” Emory said. “Come on. Need me to grab anything for you?”

Felix shook their head.

They slid into the passenger seat, their burned hand loose at their side, trying not to sob. Pain. Relief. Fear. Humiliation.

Thankfully, Emory didn’t ask any questions, just drove to the ER, a slightly panicked look on his face the entire time, but he kept it under control for the most part. Hiding it fairly well.

Felix gritted their teeth and tried not to cry.

The doctors asked too many questions. Felix had to give their parents’ names. Because they were still a _fucking_ minor. They tried not to wince when writing them down.

“How did this happen?” the doctor asked, looking at Felix’s hand. Emory was still with Felix because he’d refused to leave their side, and he was staring at Felix’s hand, looking horrified.

“I tripped,” Felix said dully. “I’m a clumsy idiot.”

The doctor nodded. “We’ll get this patched up right away,” he said. “There might be some scarring, but we’ll do the best we can.”

He left the room. Felix was hooked up to an IV, the room they were in was small, too small, and Emory was looking at them, and they did not like the look on his face.

“You tripped,” Emory said.

Felix nodded.

Silence.

Tense

tense

silence.

“Thank you,” Felix said quietly. They looked away from Emory. “I’m sorry.”

“Why the hell are you sorry?”

“Texting you. Asking for help. All of it.”

Their coworker crossed his arms. “Stop with the bullshit. It’s _fine_.”

Felix didn’t say anything.

It sure as hell didn’t feel fine.

Felix was pumped full of pain medication even though they tried to tell the doctors that they didn’t feel any pain. They cleaned and dressed Felix’s hand, gave them information about a skin graft, and then.

“We got in contact with your parents,” the doctors said. “Your father is on his way to pick you up.”

Felix was stiff. _No. No. No._

“Okay,” they said.

They couldn’t go back. They couldn’t.

The doctor nodded and left the room, telling Felix and Emory a nurse would be back soon.

Emory sat down across from Felix in the newly vacant seat. Felix looked at him. He looked at them.

“Tell me what happened,” Emory said.

Felix narrowed their eyes. They didn’t want this.

They didn’t want worry.  
They didn’t want fucking _pity_.

“I fucking told you,” Felix snapped. “I tripped.”

“I’ve been working with you for two months,” Emory said levelly. “You’re not clumsy. What. Happened.”

Felix didn’t want to talk about this.

Hell, they didn’t want to _think_ about it.

“None of your fucking business,” they snapped.

“I think it is,” Emory said. “You made it my business when you texted me.”

“That was a mistake,” Felix snarled.

A tap on the door. A nurse poked her head in. “Honey? Your dad’s here.”

Felix was ice

and they were

shattering.

Emory stood up.

Felix did too. Emory gave them a look. “Stay here.”

“What?”

Emory winced, Felix had no clue why, but he pointed at the bed. “S-Stay there. I’m going to go tell your dad you’re sleeping over at my house.”

“Sleep- _what_?”

Emory grinned, a bright smile that didn’t quite touch his eyes, but nevertheless made Felix’s heart thud. “Sleepover, my friend.”

Before Felix could protest, Emory slipped out of the room.

The nurse gave Felix a kindly look. “You’ve had quite an ordeal, my dear, you can relax now.”

They _couldn’t_.

But they were fucking _exhausted_ . It was almost one in the morning. They felt their eyes getting heavy and blinked hard, blinked hard, but they kept closing, they were _so tired_ -

Felix woke up in an unfamiliar room. In an unfamiliar bed. A heavy blanket was over them, too heavy, too much, too confining, and they shoved it off instantly, sitting up. Pain shot through their hand and they looked at it. It was still bandaged.

The enormity of what had happened hit Felix in a wave. The shoebox. The fire. The hospital.

Wherever the fuck they were now.

Felix didn’t even particularly care at this point. They drew their knees up and wrapped their good arm around them and rested their cheek on their knees, tears slipping down their face.

Gods, this was so fucked.

Then they sat up fully. Moran. Emory had gone to talk to Moran.

Where was Emory?

_Where was Moran?_

And then the answer to their first question was answered with a soft knock on the door, and Emory poking his head in.

“You up?”

Felix didn’t have any energy to tense or get defensive or even wipe the tears off their face. “Where am I?” they asked dully. “What happened with M- my-” They couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I told him we were having a sleepover,” Emory said. “And I didn’t take no for an answer.” He came over and hesitated, glancing at the bed, before sitting down on the floor not too far away. “Now.”

Felix looked away. They knew what Emory was going to ask.

_What happened?_

_Why the fuck do you seem so scared of your own father?_

_How did you get this burn, Felix?_

_Do I need to call CPS, Felix?_

“Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?” Emory asked.

Felix glanced back at him, startled.

Emory grinned. “I have chocolate chips.”

Felix took a shaky breath and smiled slightly. They knew the real questions would come later. They knew they’d have to figure out what the fuck to do later.

But for now.

For now, they could pretend.

Pretend that everything was fine.

  
  



	7. waffles and the visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :(

Felix felt lost. They were bundled into an old sweater of Emory’s, mainly because it was freezing in the house and all of their planning had gone to  _ shit _ because of fucking Moran, and not only had they left the house with no money, but they’d left it with no food, no extra clothing besides their t-shirt and jeans and tennis shoes.

And no Jackie.

Emory was making waffles. Felix was glad. Waffles didn’t require a stove. They avoided looking at the stove in the corner of the kitchen. They had decided they really weren’t fond of stoves anymore.

“Tada,” Emory said, plopping down a plate of waffles in Felix’s lap, who was curled up in the corner of the couch.

“Thanks,” they said quietly.

“No problem.” Emory grabbed his own waffle and sat down on the other side of the couch, tucking his feet up.

Felix looked down at the waffle. A flood of emotions rushed through them. Mostly confusion. They glanced at Emory, briefly, then back down.

“Are you okay?” Emory asked.

_ No _ .

“I mean,” Felix said, smirking. “My hand is covered in a fucking third degree burn. Other than that, I’m peachy.”

Emory sawed off the corner of a waffle. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know.” Felix considered elaborating but just then

The doorbell

rang.

Felix froze. Emory looked up slowly.

_ It’s him he’s coming to take me back i can’t go back fucking hell i can’t go back _ -

Felix’s heart was thundering and they didn’t know when they’d stood up but they were up and away from the couch, away from the door, the plate of waffles was on the floor, they were breathing quickly, they couldn’t stop, pain was shooting through their hand-

Emory stood up. “I’ve got it. Why don’t you-” he gestured to the door on the other side of the kitchen that led to the bedroom where Felix had slept the previous night. “In case it’s someone you don’t want to see.”

No. If it was Moran, there was no way in fucking hell Felix was leaving Emory alone with him.

“I’m staying here,” Felix said. They were proud of the fact that their voice didn’t shake at all. They clenched their good hand in a fist, tried to wrangle their breath under control. Emory looked like he was going to argue but Felix shot him a glare that said  _ don’t fucking try me _ , and so Emory moved over to the door and peeked through.

“I don’t recognize them,” Emory said quietly. He looked at Felix.

Felix couldn’t breathe. “It’s not-”  _ Moran _ .

Emory shook his head. “No, it’s not.”

They could breathe again. They were shaking with relief. It wasn’t Moran. It wasn’t Moran. It wasn’t Moran. They shrugged. “Open it.”

Emory swung the door open. “Can I help you?”

Ola

smiled.

She didn’t even look at Felix. “Yes, may I come in?”

“Who are you?” Emory asked.

She still wasn’t looking at Felix.

Felix wasn’t looking at her, either.

“My name is Ola West,” Ola said. “And I would like to speak with my child.”

Emory’s eyes widened. He looked back at Felix. Felix stared at the ground. They didn’t want to talk to her. They didn’t want to talk to her. They didn’t want to-

“Felix,” Ola said. “Can we talk?” She stepped forward, moving to go around Emory.

“Hang on,” Emory said. He put an arm out, blocking her. His eyes were on Felix, they could feel it, drilling into them, noting the way they’d tensed when she’d asked that. “I don’t think they want to talk to you.”

“It’s about Jackie,” Ola said, and her voice was full of concern.

Felix glanced up.

“Your sister?” Emory asked Felix. He’d met Jackie a few times before.

Felix nodded wordlessly. They didn’t think they’d be able to speak if they tried.

“Can we talk?” Ola asked again.

_ No _ .

Felix nodded. They glanced at Emory. They didn’t want to leave. Not this warm,  _ safe  _ apartment. But it wasn’t fair of them to drag Emory into all of their fucking problems. “Let’s go outside,” Felix said.

Emory’s eyes widened. He glanced from Felix to Ola and back again. “Um.”

Ola just smiled. “Sounds good, sweetheart.” She turned and left the doorway.

Felix ground their teeth. Moved forward to follow. Emory caught their arm. They paused. Looked at him.

“Felix,” Emory said. “I don’t like this.”

Felix smiled. It felt like cardboard. “It’s fine. Thanks. Really.”

Emory looked torn between wanting to come and wanting to give Felix their space.

Felix was torn between wanting him to come and wanting him to very much not.

“Don’t go home with her,” Emory said.

Felix looked at him. They wanted to ask.  _ Why do you care? _

_ Why the fuck do you care about me? _

They just smirked. Cardboard. “Sure thing. I’ve always wanted to move in with my incredibly buff coffee shop coworker and eat waffles all day every day.”

Emory flushed red and Felix snickered

And then Ola called “Felix” from outside and the moment was broken.

Felix gently removed their arm from Emory’s hand. “I’ll be back,” they promised.

“What do you want?” Felix asked. They were on the street in front of Emory’s apartment building.

“To check up on you,” Ola said. “You have no idea how worried I was when you just up and vanished-”

“Cut the fucking bullshit,” Felix snapped.  _ “What do you want _ ?”

Ola looked at them steadily for a moment. “Don’t swear,” she said.

“Fuck you.”

Ola just laughed softly. “Felix, I didn’t come for a back and forth like this. I don’t want to argue with you.”

“Then tell me what the fuck you do want.”

“To talk about Jackie,” Ola said. “And what your plan is. Are you leaving? For good?”

Felix stared at her for a second.  _ Have you not seen the fucking third degree burn on my hand?  _ “I don’t know,” they said flatly. “Do you really honestly give a fuck?”

“I don’t,” Ola said sweetly. “But Jackie does. Are you really going to do that to her?”

That was a punch in the gut. Felix just looked at her. “What the fuck is wrong with you.”

Ola laughed. “Just watching out for what is best for my daughter,” she said. “It’s not my fault you’re a dangerous, horrible influence on her.”

Dangerous.  _ Felix _ was dangerous. They could laugh. They could cry.

“You can’t control every aspect of her life, you know,” Felix told Ola. Ola just smiled.

“Watch me, Felix.”

_ Don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic _ -

“You can’t,” Felix said.

“Would you like to come home, then?” Ola asked.

Felix was speechless.

“Well, don’t worry,” Ola said. “Her school field trip isn’t for two days. You have plenty of time to decide if you’re coming home.”

_ Oh fuck, her field trip _ . The one Felix had  _ promised  _ her they’d tag along on. Ola was the Psychology teacher at Jackie and Felix’s school, she was one of the teachers leading the trip, Felix had  _ promised _ -

“What are you saying,” Felix said. “If I don’t come home I can’t go on the trip?”

Ola shrugged. “Parental consent is required for it.” She smiled at the look on Felix’s face. “Okay! I’m going to go home now. I have some papers to grade.”

She shouldered her purse, turned around, and walked away.

Felix walked back up to Emory’s apartment in a daze. Emory was pacing by the door.

“What happened? What did she say?”

“I have to go home,” Felix said dully.

Emory’s expression darkened. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes I do,” Felix said. They had a feeling the topic of conversation they’d been avoiding was inevitable at this point. They didn’t really care anymore. They felt numb.

“You  _ don’t _ ,” Emory said. “You  _ can’t _ .” He pointed at Felix’s hand. “You didn’t fucking do that to yourself, Felix.”

“I don’t care,” Felix said, even though they did. “Ola was right. I’m not leaving Jackie alone.”

“So both of you get of there,” Emory said. “There’s Child-”

“No,” Felix snapped. Moran had made it explicitly clear, over the flame of a lighter, what would happen to Felix, to  _ Jackie _ , if CPS or the police in any way were contacted.

“They’re  _ hurting  _ you,” Emory said. “Both of you. You can’t stay there.”

“No,” Felix said. Still numb. “Not both of us. That’s why I have to go back.”

Emory looked at them.

Felix saw him realize.

“No,” Emory said. “ _ No _ .”

Felix stepped away. They couldn’t  _ handle  _ the anger and pain and fucking  _ pity _ in Emory’s face. They couldn’t. They couldn’t. It would break them. And they couldn’t break.

“Hey,” Felix said. Making their voice light. It was light as a metric ton of feathers. “Thanks for the waffles and letting me crash here. It was a blast.”

“You  _ can’t _ ,” Emory said.

“I have to,” Felix said. They were shaking. They didn’t care.

“You’ll fucking  _ die _ ,” Emory said.

“No, I won’t,” Felix said.

They looked at their hand out of the corner of their eye, still bandaged.

They weren’t one hundred percent sure that was the truth. Not anymore.

“Felix,  _ please _ , don’t go back there,” Emory said. “You’re eighteen soon, right? Why can’t you move out?”

He already knew the answer to that, Felix knew he did, he was just asking because he didn’t like the answer.

“I’ll see you at work,” Felix said.

_ Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry _ .

They turned and walked away before Emory could say anything else, because one more thing, one more word from Emory, one more second, and Felix knew they would stay forever and never ever leave.

They were halfway back to their house before they realized they’d forgotten to give Emory his sweater back.

  
  



	8. coffee date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some fluff for once. enjoy it while you can

Emory caught up with them a few blocks away from their house. He was breathing heavily; he’d probably ran.

“What do you want?” Felix snapped. They weren’t going to stop. They weren’t going to abandon Jackie.

Emory paused for a moment to gather his breath.

“Coffee,” he said.

Felix stared at him. That was… not what they’d been expecting. “Excuse me?”

“Unless you’re sick of it from being around it practically twenty-four/seven,” Emory said, grinning.

Felix stared at him for another minute. “You don’t have to do this,” they said. “Pretend you want-” They let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t want fucking charity.”

At the same time, they  _ needed  _ to be distracted.  _ Please _ .

Anything to slightly delay when they would be arriving home.

Emory laughed and grabbed their hand. “You’re hopeless.”

Well.

Felix was sufficiently distracted. They didn’t pull away from Emory, even though their heart was thudding unreasonably fast.

“Not Starbucks,” they said after a minute. Moran and Ola both knew that they worked there.

“No problem,” Emory said. “Follow me, friendo.”

The Coffee Club was small and cozy and for a moment when they stepped inside Felix’s breath hitched, but they just focused on Emory’s hand in theirs,  _ Emory’s hand, an anchor _ . They focused on Emory’s hand and breathed.

Together, they went to the counter. They ordered. The barista glanced at their joined hands and smiled.

“Aren’t you two cute,” she said.

Felix and Emory both flushed red and Emory let go. “Oh um we’re not uh uhhhhhhhhhhhh-”

Felix smirked. “Are we not though?”

Emory was incredibly flustered and Felix found it highly amusing. “Oh, get over yourself,” Felix said, shoving Emory’s arm. He coworker tensed, just for a fraction of a second, then laughed.

“Says you, you’re blushing too, asshole.”

The barista was giggling, holding out their coffees. Felix just rolled their eyes and accepted the two coffees, handing one to Emory.

Emory and Felix got a booth in the corner. Felix tucked their feet up like they had on Emory’s couch and propped their arm up on their knee.

“You have horrible etiquette,” Emory observed. Felix stuck their tongue out at him. Took a sip of their coffee.

“So,” Felix said.

“Yeah,” Emory said.

Felix raised their eyebrows. “This coffee-” They almost said date and stopped themself just in time. They had no idea what the fuck this was. “Thi was your idea, idiot, I’m not driving the conversation.”

Emory scrunched his nose up. “Fine fine fine lemme think.” A moment, then his eyes lit up. “Oooh, okay so do you like cats?”

“Cats?”

Emory nodded vigorously.

“I mean yeah,” Felix said. “Who in their right mind doesn’t fucking like cats.”

“Awesome awesome cool yes,” Emory said. “I have a follow-up idea.” He popped up out of the booth. “Follow me.”

“Right now?”

Emory nodded and Felix groaned an overly pained sigh before hopping up too. “Fine, lead the way, mister mystery.”

“A pet shelter,” Felix said. “Really?”

Emory was practically bouncing up and down with excitement. “Yes yes yes yes yes.”

Felix snickered and tried not to think about how fucking cute this guy was.

Ten minutes later they’d talked to a worker who had led them to the cat area and just left them there. There was a litter of tiny kittens, and Felix and Emory plopped down on the ground near them, setting their half finished coffees on a nearby chair. Felix unlaced their tennis shoe to use the shoelace as a toy for the kittens, and they and Emory just watched the tiny balls of fluff bundling around, tumbling across the ground and clawing at the shoelace.

“This is nice,” Emory said, a little later. A little gray kitten was curled up in Felix’s lap, sleeping, while Emory was being mobbed by a white and black one.

“This is,” Felix agreed. It was peaceful in this place, and warm, and quiet. Just them and the kittens. Felix leaned back against the wall, trying to move minimally so they didn’t disturb the kitten on their lap.

“I wish life could be like this all the time,” Emory said.

Felix nodded. “Same but unfortunately people can be shit. Unlike kittens, who can do no wrong.”

The black and white kitten chose that moment to bite Emory’s finger, who yelped. Felix snickered. “Amazing timing.”

“Yeah well, she can still do no wrong,” Emory said, picking the kitten up and bumping noses with her.

Felix watched him.

God, they wanted to stay here. Just never fucking leave.

But that wasn’t realistic.

Felix closed their eyes and leaned their head back against the wall. They had to leave, they had to go back to their house, they had to face all their fucking problems, but not now. Not now.

No one was taking this moment away from them.

There was a shuffling sound and then Emory’s hand slipped into theirs. Felix smiled slightly, not opening their eyes. They leaned over and rested their head on Emory’s shoulder.

The gray kitten purred.

And just then, just for a little bit, Felix was entirely, and completely happy.

  
  



	9. going home

Felix

was

afraid.

Their stomach was a knot of nerves, slowly walking the last five blocks to their house from the bus station.

“You’ll fucking  _ die _ ,” Emory had said.

Felix didn’t want to die.

They didn’t want to get hurt any more. Hell, who fucking would?

But they were not. Leaving. Jackie. Alone. Here.

  


Felix stood in front of the door trying to remember how to breathe properly.  _ Please don’t be inside. Please don’t be inside. Please don’t be inside. _

They pushed the door open.

Moran was inside. He was sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper and drinking coffee.

Fucking  _ idiot _ , Felix berated themself. Why the  _ fuck  _ didn’t they remember that this was when Moran had his coffee before going to work?

_ Because _ , Felix thought.  _ You were still thinking about Emory and trying  _ not _ to think about anything at home _ . They’d even texted Emory briefly on their walk home, just to get their mind off  _ home _ .

A mistake.

Moran looked up. Saw Felix.

He smiled.

Felix was rigid with fear.

“Welcome home,” Moran said. “You really shouldn’t have run off.”

Felix’s throat was dry. They forced words out. “I had to go to the hospital.”

Moran scraped his chair back and stood, calmly folding his newspaper and placing it on the table. “No, Felix, after that. I came to pick you up last night, like the kind and loving father that I am, and like the ungrateful  _ nothing _ you are, you ran off with your tall boyfriend.”

Felix’s fear doubled because  _ shit fuck he knows about Emory oh my god fuck what’s he going to fucking do _ -

“I don’t appreciate that,” Moran said. Coming closer. Felix’s back against the door again and  _ oh god this is just like yesterday he’s going to burn me again oh god please no please no no no why did I ever think I could do this- _

“I might need to have some words with your boyfriend,” Moran continued. “I think I’ve seen him a few times at that Starbucks, right?”

Felix couldn’t breathe. “Don’t-”

Moran tilted his head. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you telling me what to do now? Is that how this works?” He came closer.

_ Fear _ .

The door to the living room opened, and Jackie

walked

in.

Moran was suddenly smiling, brushing off Felix’s shoulders. Felix flinched at his touch.

“Jackie, look who’s home,” Moran said, still smiling. He returned to the kitchen table and took a sip of his coffee. Jackie tilted her head, looking confused.

“Felix, what’s wrong?”

Felix was shaking.  _ Fucking hell stop shaking _ . “N-nothing,” they managed.

_ Don’t let her know if she knows she’ll try to stop it if she tries to stop it she’ll get hurt. _

“Felix here slept over at their boyfriend’s house,” Moran said.

Felix closed their eyes.  _ That  _ was what Moran was going to tell Jackie? Really? They weren’t surprised.

Jackie looked surprised. And…. hurt.

_ Fuck _ .

“Boyfriend? You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.”

Moran’s eyes were on Felix, drilling into them. They couldn’t breathe couldn’t think why the fuck was  _ this  _ what everyone was focusing on-

“He’s just a friend,” Felix managed.

Jackie frowned. “Mom was right. You  _ are  _ acting weird.” She turned and stormed out of the kitchen.

“Wow, Felix, you handled that well,” Moran said.

Felix glared at him. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

A bad move.

Moran was in front of Felix in an instant, the lighter in front of their face. It wasn’t lit.  _ Yet _ . “Don’t you dare speak to me that way, Felix,” Moran said. “I am still your goddamn father.”

Felix didn’t know why the fuck they felt so brave. Maybe it wasn’t bravery, maybe it was anger. Or idiocy. Maybe it was seeing Jackie. Being reminded that this  _ only happened to them _ .

Emory’s words.  _ You’ll fucking die _ .

Either way, Felix glared at Moran. “You’re not my father,” they spat.

Moran looked at the lighter contemplatively. “I would have thought that yesterday’s events would have made you smarter.”

Felix was hyperaware of the lighter five inches from their face, but they were even more aware of the  _ stove at the other side of the kitchen the stove they were in the fucking kitchen what if Moran decided again to- _

“Well,” Moran said, with fake cheerfulness. “Even if you don’t think I’m really your father, I can still ground you.”

Felix drew back in surprise. “Ground me?” That was… probably the least of the things Moran could do to them.

“Yes,” Moran said, smiling at Felix. “Until you learn some goddamn respect.”

Felix froze.

Every time

Moran told them

to learn

respect

he

“No,” Felix said.

They were almost eighteen

this hadn’t happened in two years

this couldn’t-

he  _ couldn’t- _

“Are you going to come follow me or do I have to drag you?” Moran asked politely.

Felix backed towards the door. Emory was right. Emory was  _ right _ . They couldn’t stay here. They would die. They would  _ fucking die _ . They would die and then Jackie would die and then-

“Okay,” Moran said, shrugging. “Guess I’ll have to drag you.” He reached up and grabbed a fistful of Felix’s hair and yanked them away from the door. Felix tried to jerk away but pain split through their head because Moran didn’t  _ fucking let go _ and they stumbled and then he was dragging them

out of the kitchen

towards the hallway

_ no _

panic made it hard to breathe  _ no no no no no _

they realized they were saying it out loud, fucking  _ pleading _ with Moran, but he didn’t care, he didn’t listen, he just yanked the closet door open shoved Felix inside slammed the door shut locked the door shoved something heavy against it and 

was

gone.

  


felix already couldn’t breathe

the walls

were too fucking

close

they couldn’t breathe they couldn’t think their breaths were coming too fast the walls were closing in no no  _ no  _ goddamn it  _ why _

_ why this wasn’t fair how long would it be this time _

they were sobbing and this time they couldn’t think well enough to focus on keeping it quiet they had to just hope jackie didn’t walk by and  _ hear them _ because she  _ couldn’t know if she knew she’d try to stop it if she tried to stop it she’d get hurt _

but felix was the one who was hurt and emory was  _ right _ and they were going to  _ fucking die _ and there was  _ nothing they could do and oh god i’m going to die _

_ i’m going to die in here no one cares _

_ moran doesn’t care and ola doesn’t care and jackie doesn’t know and no one cares and no one is going to let me out this is it this is fucking it i’m going to die _

_ i’m _

_ going _

_ to _

_ die. _

forty

one

hours

The door wrenched open and

Emory

was standing there

  


Anger and fear warred across his face.

Felix was barely conscious. They heard, as if through a haze, as Emory muttered curses and shoved the closet door fully open, shoving the chair that had been in front of it aside too. He knelt down next to Felix.

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” he muttered. “Oh my  _ god _ .” He sounded close to tears. Why did he sound close to tears?

“Can y-you stand up?” Emory asked.

Felix barely even made out what he was saying.  _ God they were so thirsty and so hungry and so fucking dizzy _ -

“Okay,” Emory said, and he picked Felix up, staggering a little.

The walls were no longer pressing in on Felix, instead it was Emory’s arms, but it didn’t feel bad, it didn’t feel like pain, and they were  _ so tired  _ and so they just

slipped

away.

Felix woke up in the bed in Emory’s apartment. Again.

This time they weren’t alone. Emory was sitting on the floor next to the bed, frantically texting. He looked up when Felix stirred, almost chucking his phone aside.

“Felix, thank  _ god _ ,” he said. “Are you-” he stopped, probably because Felix was very obviously not okay.

A shudder wracked Felix’s body, remembering the last two days. “Why-” they started, but their voice was hoarse from lack of use and lack of water.

“Here,” Emory said, handing them a glass of water.

After a minute Felix was able to form words. “Why did you come?”

“You didn’t show up for work,” Emory said quietly.

“Oh,” Felix said. They’d forgotten entirely about that. “But why-”

“Because, you idiot,” Emory said. “I care about you, okay?”

_ Why did Felix suddenly want to cry?  _ They nodded, not trusting themself to speak.

Emory reached out and took their hand. Felix squeezed it once. Emory squeezed it back.

“You’re not going back, okay?” Emory said.

A long pause.

Felix nodded.

  
  



	10. a date

Felix was once again sitting on Emory’s couch, but everything was different.  _ You’re not going back _ , Emory had said, and Felix had nodded.

Not going back.

What did that mean for Felix? They didn’t know.

What did that mean for Jackie?

They didn’t know that either.

Emory looked at Felix like they were broken.

They probably were, but that didn’t mean they had to like it. Or show it. They smirked. “Making hanging out like this a regular occurrence, aren’t we.”

Emory folded his legs up; he was sitting on the coffee table. “I guess we are.”

Felix looked around.  _ Ask questions. Stay on the offense. Then you don’t have to talk about what a fucking mess you are.  _ “So, what, you live on your own?”

“Yep,” Emory said.

“Parents?” Felix asked.

Emory looked at them for a minute before shaking his head. “Not in the picture.”

This was dumb. Felix shouldn’t have brought that up. They weren’t equipped to have any sort of functional conversation at the moment. 

A moment of silence, and then Emory said, “You want to talk about it?”

It.

Walls closing in.

Hungry thirsty panicked alone-

Felix shook their head, smirking. “Nah. Talking’s for losers.”

“Okay,” Emory said. He stood up. “I have an idea, I’ll be right back.”

He left.

Felix stood up and paced and swore at themself. Why the fuck were they being so  _ fucking rude _ ? Emory had, for all intents and purposes, saved their life  _ twice. _ And they were being an  _ asshole _ .

Why did Emory even  _ care _ ?

The door opened ten minutes later and a very flushed Emory burst in. “Hey sorry that took longer than anticipated the line at the cash register was LONG.”

Felix stopped pacing and looked at him. “What?”

Emory dumped two overflowing bags of groceries on the counter. “Movie night.” He looked out the window at the sun still fairly low peeking through buildings. “Or… movie morning.” He laughed. “I got popcorn and twizzlers and chocolate but more importantly rented  _ movies _ . Are you ready?”

Felix was.  _ Supremely _ . Confused. But they didn’t like to show it so they just shrugged. “Sure.”

Thirty minutes and only incredibly complex explanation of the difference between “chronological” and “release” orders - whatever the fuck that meant - Felix and Emory were both on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between them, starting Iron Man.

Felix was barely invested in the movie. They were watching Emory, who did indeed seem invested in it. He had two twizzlers lying on his knee, forgotten when a dramatic scene had started. His long hair was up in a messy bun.

_ Fuck he’s cute _ .

There was the popcorn bowl between them, a barrier, an unspoken agreement of personal space, but Felix noticed Emory’s hand just sort of… resting on the couch cushions and Felix fought the urge to snicker. Oldest play in the book.

Felix slipped their hand into Emory’s, who didn’t look away from the movie but smiled slightly. Felix squeezed his hand once. Emory squeezed it back.

Felix decided that they’d try to pay attention to the movie, for Emory’s sake. They repositioned slightly on the couch and tucked their legs up. Iron Man was taking his suit out for a test flight, there were villains, Iron Man was handling it, no big deal, and then-

Fire.

Felix flinched back involuntarily before they got a handle on themself  _ it’s a fucking movie you fucking idiot _ -

But Emory had already grabbed up the remote and paused the movie. He was looking at Felix again.

Like they were broken.

“Shit,” he said. “Shit I’m sorry - You okay?”

“Fine,” Felix snapped.

They  _ weren’t  _ broken. 

Emory switched the tv off. “You want to go out and get some food? I think I’ll be sick if I keep just eating sugar and popcorn.”

Felix stared at him. “Okay what the fuck why. I don’t want fucking charity.” They were reminded of the first day they met Emory, when he’d given them a free coffee. And then later when he’d given them a jacket.

_ Charity _ .

For some reason, Emory looked pissed off. “This isn’t charity,” he said.

“Oh? Really? Then what the fuck is it?” Felix snarled.

Emory frowned and folded his arms and then unfolded them and  _ why was he blushing _ and then folded them again. “A date?” he offered after a minute.

They were sitting in a burger place. They were both quiet but it wasn’t a painful quiet, it was just a… quiet.

There weren’t many other customers, and per usual in fast food restaurants, time felt non-existent. Had they been there quietly eating burgers and custard for five minutes, or forty? Who knew.

Felix ate another fry. “Thanks,” they said.

Emory looked up. “No problem.”

“I’m not-” Felix let out a short breath. “I’m not talking about the food.”

“I know,” Emory said.

They were ordering custard, empty burger trays in front of them, when a group of fairly rowdy guys sat down at the table next to them. Felix raised their eyebrows at Emory as their peaceful quiet was shattered by loud laughs and “dude she’s fucking  _ hot _ ”s.

Felix tilted their head towards them and said quietly, “And  _ that’s _ why I avoid people.”

Emory laughed.

Emory and Felix successfully ignored and tuned out the rowdy guys at the table next door, all the way halfway through their custards, until one of the guys leaned over, grinning. One of the other guys nudged him and he laughed, muttering something behind him.

Felix was already on edge.

“Hey,” the guy said. “So what’s your deal?”

“What do you mean?” Emory asked. Felix squinted at the guy.

“Bro, are you like, friends?” One of the guys behind the main dude said, “Kyle, dude,” but he was laughing.

“Is it any of your fucking business?” Felix snapped.

“Bro, he’s fucking blushing,” the first guy - Kyle - said. “Duuuude.”

Felix was tense. “Not a fucking he.”

Kyle frowned. “The hell does that mean?” Then his eyes widened, like something was dawning on him. “Oh, damn, you one of those people who thinks there’s like a hundred fucking genders?”

“Fuck off,” Felix snapped.

Kyle raised his hands defensively. “What? I’m not wrong. There’s two genders. It’s like, basic science.”

“And it’s basic science,” Emory said, “That if I punch you, you will get hurt.”

“Why so defensive?” Kyle said. “I was just talking to him.”

“ _ Them _ ,” Emory said. He stood up.

Felix reached out and grabbed his hand. “Just leave it.” They didn’t think they could  _ take  _ any more conflict. The past three days had been  _ plenty _ .

Emory looked at them for a minute then nodded. He tossed money on the table. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Hey,” Kyle said, spreading his hands. “What the hell, I was just being friendly.”

Felix gave him a withering look and paused as they passed him. “Oh, your girlfriend is cheating on you, by the way,” they said.

Kyle looked taken aback. “Wh- what now?” He looked at his friends. “Uh- is Sarah-”

Felix smirked and brushed past him. Every one of these assholes was the same.

Outside, Emory kicked the side of the building. “I hate  _ assholes _ !”

“Hey, same,” Felix said. They took a shaky breath. “Fucking hate that.”

“Valid,” Emory said. “Fuck him, okay. All of them, they’re idiots.”

Felix smirked. “Fuck him?  _ Really _ ?”

Emory blushed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I-  _ no _ \- obviously-” he broke off, his face red.

Felix snickered. “You’re cute when you’re blushing.”

“Shut up,” Emory said.

“Make me,” Felix said, still smirking.

“Okay,” Emory said, and he stepped forward and took Felix’s hands. Felix’s heart skipped a beat. “Can I kiss you, then?” Emory asked.

Felix grinned. “Of course.”

And he did.

  
  



	11. shots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if this fricks with the chapter order, rip. i meant to post this earlier

Felix didn’t quite know where they stood with Emory. Sure, they’d gone on a date, they’d kissed, Felix was fucking  _ staying in his apartment _ , but they didn’t talk about it, it just kind of… happened.

Either way, whatever the hell it was, it was good.

For the first time, one week later, Felix saw Emory afraid.

And God, was he bad at hiding it. It was almost cute, how hard he was trying. His hands trembled on the steering wheel - he’d insisted on driving, said it was a good distraction - and his eyes were fixed on the road.

Felix was sitting cross-legged in the passenger seat, fingers lightly drumming the door. They wished there was something they could do, more than just  _ be there _ for him, but there wasn’t, so they just sat there.

After a few blocks, Emory said abruptly, “I need music.”

“Okay, sure,” Felix said. They reached over and grabbed the aux cord, hooking it into their phone and queuing a playlist they’d made for Emory for his birthday, back when they’d only known each other as coworkers, before all the shit had hit the fan at once. Emory smiled slightly, but his knuckles were still white on the wheel.

The building was a drab, drab, brown.

“They really should brighten it up,” Felix joked. They held Emory’s hand in theirs, and squeezed it once to reassure him that yes, they were still there, and no, they weren’t going anywhere.

“I can’t do this,” Emory said.

“Sorry,” Felix said. “You kind of have to. But it’ll be fast. I promise.”

Emory nodded, his gaze fixed forward. He clearly didn’t believe them.

Inside, Felix leaned against the counter as Emory filled out the forms, watching as he continued to pretend to be totally fine and not at all scared.

They reached out and took his hand again.

“Emory Hayes?” the nurse poked her head out of the door. Emory swallowed and stood up. Felix popped up too. Still holding his hand.

The preliminary questions were over, and the nurse was gone, and now they were waiting for her to return.

With the shots.

Emory was staring blankly at the wall. It killed Felix to see him so much  _ not there _ . They wondered, briefly, if the fear of needles, of being stabbed, was just one of those everyday fears, or if there was something deeper there.

They dismissed the thought almost immediately. It wasn’t theirs to pry about. If Emory wanted to talk, Felix would be there. Emory knew that.

Felix squeezed Emory’s hand again. Emory squeezed it back, but half heartedly.

The door opened and the nurse came in. She was kind, smiling, but that didn’t matter, because she held a tray with needles on it.

Emory was so fucking pale. Felix stood up and moved in front of him and took both of his hands.

“Hey,” they said. “Just look at me. Okay? Nowhere else. Just look at my eyes.”

The nurse bustled around getting the shot ready. Ripped open the tiny packet holding the antiseptic wipe. Emory glanced at her a few times but each time Felix gently tapped his knee, and he looked back at Felix.

“T-talk,” Emory said, his voice hoarse.

The nurse wiped his arm with the antiseptic and Felix saw Emory flinch at the cold and the pungent smell.

“Talk,” Felix said. “Cool, that’s something I’m good at. So, did you know that at arcades - and this is the stupidest shit, don’t judge - but at arcades there are ways to bypass the very obvious rigged games so that  _ you’re _ actually the one cheating the system, instead of the other way around-”

They kept going, just talking about arcades and books and the most random shit, customers at Starbucks they particularly liked or hated, that one woman who came back multiple times every day, whatever they could think of, all the while squeezing Emory’s hands and watching him and  _ waiting for the nurse hurry the fuck up _ -

The shot was ready and it was moving towards Emory’s arm and Emory was pale and he looked like he was about to faint-

Felix leaned forward and kissed him. When they pulled back, the shot was done.

“All done!” The nurse said. “Well done, that’s all there is to it! I’ll be right back with your paperwork.”

And she bustled out again.

Emory leaned his head forward so his forehead was touching Felix’s. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

Felix squeezed his hands. “Always.”


	12. until clearris

Being in Emory’s apartment, and the occasional kiss the two exchanged, curling up on the couch and watching movies and eating popcorn and going out to eat and talking and just  _ being _ together…

Felix wasn’t entirely good. Moran and Ola and Jackie still loomed in their mind.

But they were better.

And Emory smiled and cracked jokes and held their hand and beamed. Often.

And it was good.

Until it wasn’t.

Until Clearris.

They arrived, the first time, in the form of a knock on the door. Emory peeked out the peephole and stiffened. Slowly swung the door open.

A person was standing there, tall and lean, professional and neat, smiling at Emory. Their gaze slid past Emory and landed on Felix, and they smiled.

“And who are you?”

“No,” Emory said. His knuckles were white on the door. “G-get out.”

Felix glanced at Emory’s face. They’d heard him stutter once before, only once, and that was when-  _ fuck _ , they didn’t remember the context.

The person was still smiling, still looking at Felix. “Not going to let them answer for themself, Emory?”

Felix folded their arms. They didn’t like the way this newcomer was looking at them, or speaking to Emory, every single nerve in their body screamed  _ danger _ but they didn’t  _ know _ this person, didn’t know what would defuse this situation, so they just looked back, eyes narrowed.

“Who are you?” they retorted.

The person seemed to take this as a fucking  _ invitation _ , brushing past Emory into the apartment. They held their hand out to Felix.

“Verix Clearris,” they said.

Felix glanced at Emory again; he was so tense, so pale, his  _ fucking hands were shaking _ \- They ignored Clearris’s hand. “That doesn’t answer my fucking question,” they said. “Why are you here.”

“I’m Emory’s landlord,” Clearris said pleasantly. Their gaze slid over to Emory briefly, a slight smile curling their mouth, before they strolled past Felix and over to the kitchen table where there were the remains of breakfast. Clearris reached out and picked up Emory’s mug, taking a small sip from it, leaning against the table. They looked at Emory and  _ the look in their eyes _ -

Felix instinctively moved between the landlord and Emory. “Hi so what the fuck do you want? You want food go to your own fucking place.”

Clearris tilted their head. “So are you Emory’s new lover?”

New

lover?

Felix tensed. Resisted the urge to look behind them at Emory. “Get out.”  _ Had they horribly misread this situation? _

_ Was this person- _

Were Emory and them-

No. Felix had  _ not  _ been wrong about the look in their eyes, about Emory’s expression.

Had they?

Clearris smiled, said politely, “I think I’ll leave that up to Emory.” They pushed away from the kitchen table and then they were moving towards Felix, past them, they were over by Emory, who was still standing by the door, frozen, and Clearris was right in front of him, close so close, and leaning forward and whispering something in his ear and Emory’s eyes widened ever so slightly and he was shaking his head and this was  _ wrong something was wrong  _ this was bad this was  _ danger _ -

Felix was moving before they realized what was happening, and in a second they were between Emory and Clearris, shoving Clearris away.

“Get the  _ fuck _ away from him,” Felix snarled.

They were probably fucking up. They were probably fucking this up so bad.

But they didn’t care.

_ The fear in Emory’s face _ .

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Clearris said pleasantly. They weren’t looking at Felix, though; their eyes were still fixed on Emory.

And just like that Felix recognized the look in the landlord’s eyes.

_ Possessive _ .

“Get. Out.” Felix spat.

Clearris smiled. Pleasantly. “Emory, did you want to tell them, or should I?”

“I- I-”

Felix’s gut twisted. “Leave him  _ alone _ . I don’t give a shit what you have to say to me.”

Clearris tilted their head. Looking at Felix finally. “Alright,” they said. “But I would be careful thinking you know everything about your boyfriend here.”

They turned on their heel.

They walked away.

Felix stomped after them and hurled the door shut behind them. They took a short breath and turned to face Emory, afraid of what they’d see.

_ How bad did I just fuck up? _

_ How bad did I just fuck up? _

Emory collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs, shaking, and just like that Felix’s concerns about making him mad by yelling at Clearris  _ vanished _ .

Felix was next to him in an instant, took his hand gently. “Hey-”

Emory jerked away from them so abruptly that his chair overturned, and he was standing, away from Felix, looking at them, and the look in his eyes-

Felix took two quick steps back. “I’m sorry,” they said. They couldn’t breathe.  _ Stop fucking up stop fucking up fuck fuck fuck- _

Emory took a breath, guilt splayed across his face. “F-felix- n-no don’t be-” He gritted his teeth, face tight with frustration.

“It’s okay,” Felix said. “It’s okay.”

It was not okay because  _ Emory was not okay _ .

“They-” Emory swallowed. “They’re-”

The look in Clearris’s eyes.

_ Possessive _ .

Emory.

_ Are you Emory’s new lover _ .

And then Felix

remembered

the first time and only other time

they’d heard Emory stutter.

in the hospital

when he’d told Felix

to

“No,” Felix said. Their hands were cold. “No.”

Emory’s face c r u m p l e d, just a bit.

“No,” Felix said again. They turned and looked at the door Clearris had vanished through. Back to Emory. Their stomach hurt. “They-”

“Yeah,” Emory said.

Felix

didn’t know what to do

they wanted to storm out of that apartment, find Verix Clearris, and murder them

they wanted to  _ break  _ them and let them  _ see how it fucking felt _

but Emory was here, and Emory was watching them and he  _ needed  _ them so they couldn’t and they probably couldn’t have either way because what the fuck could they do

really, how the fuck could they help anyone, least of all Emory, who was the most selfless, caring person on the planet, who was  _ so good  _ at helping Felix and  _ now that he finally needed help Felix didn’t know what the fuck to do _ .

Emory didn’t look like he wanted to talk.

Felix didn’t blame him.

They very quietly made hot chocolate, their gut tight and teeth clenched when they had to heat the water up on the stove, but it was worth it, it was for Emory, it was at least  _ something  _ they could do.

They set it down in front of Emory, in a new mug, not the one that  _ fucking Clearris had put their fucking mouth on _ -

Felix took that mug away and threw it in the sink and was slightly disappointed when it didn’t break.

They turned back to Emory, holding their own mug, the warmth seeping through into their hand, the one not still wrapped in bandages, and grounding them. What the fuck could they do they had to do something.

“I’m so sorry,” they said. God they wanted to hug him. So fucking bad. But they remembered his expression, the flinch, and they weren’t going to do  _ that _ unless Emory reached out for it first.

“Don’t be,” Emory said dully.

“Too bad,” Felix said. “I am.”

A pause. They looked at each other.

“Tell me-” Felix took a small breath. “If there’s anything I can do. Really.”

Emory nodded.

Felix wanted to cry.

to  _ break  _ Verix Clearris.

they settled for clenching their fists so tight their nails dug into their palms. “They aren’t going to come near you again,” Felix said quietly. “I promise.”

“Y-you can’t promise something like that,” Emory said.

“Fucking  _ watch me _ .”

“Okay.”

A moment of quiet.

“Can I-” Emory took a breath. “Earlier, were you going to-” Another breath. “H-hug?”

“Always,” Felix said.

  
  



	13. snow

Felix and Emory had gotten into a routine of heading to work. Felix woke up earlier than Emory pretty consistently and went into the kitchen to make breakfast while Emory was still passed out on the couch.

Back when Felix had just started staying at Emory’s apartment, they’d been loath to take Emory’s bed. They were intruding  _ enough _ , they didn’t need to take their coworker’s fucking bed, too.

And then Verix Clearris showed up. Felix hadn’t mentioned it since.

One morning the sun was shining. The birds were singing. It was nice. Felix rummaged around in the cabinets, coming up with an empty Cheerios box.

They  hopped over the back of the couch and landed next to Emory, who was sitting up and tying his shoes.

“We,” Felix said in the most dramatic voice they could muster. “Are out of cereal.”

“Wonderful,” Emory said. “We’ll have to stop by the store before work.”

“We better,” Felix said. They bit their lip, contemplating taking Emory’s hand, but they couldn’t. They wouldn’t.

Felix hadn’t touched Emory since their hug a week ago after Clearris had left. How could they, remembering the look in Emory’s eyes when they’d touched his hand?

It wasn’t that they didn’t want to. And it wasn’t that they didn’t think Emory didn’t want them to.

They just weren’t initiating it.

No way in fucking hell were they initating it.

Emory and Felix walked to Starbucks together. Felix was wearing Emory’s jacket, and Emory was also wearing one of his own jackets.

The wind was blowing fairly hard, carrying with it tiny flakes of snow, and Felix shrugged the collar of their jacket up. Emory glanced over, and

tensed.

“What?” Felix asked, frowning.

Emory didn’t move for a second, didn’t even keep walking, and Felix stopped too, dread twisting in their gut.

“ _ What? _ ”

Emory focused on them, although it looked like it took an effort. “Nothing,” he said.

Felix looked at him.

He was lying.

He was so  _ clearly lying _ .

Felix knew the expression on his face all too fucking well. “Okay,” they said.

They also knew that if Emory was wearing that expression, there was nothing Felix could say to get the truth out of him.

That had to come on its own.

Eight hours later, Felix and Emory’s shift was ending. Emory was dumping out the espresso machine while Felix was cleaning the blenders. Emory had brought along a speaker and since they were cleaning up after closing down, they were blasting music - the playlist Felix had made Emory for his birthday.

Felix finished the blenders and moved over to the counters and the pastry shelves. They paused. Normally they just threw away the pastries that no one had eaten - policy said they had to, after a day, but maybe…

Emory came back with the cleaned espresso machine and squinted. “What’s up with that?”

Felix smirked. “Picnic.” They’d piled the leftover cookies and pieces of cake in a heap on the counter - even though they realized that this meant that they’d have to wipe the counters off again.

Emory grinned. “Oh, you get me, Fe.”

They were sitting on the counters with the drinks they had from the leftovers of when Felix had “accidentally” made way too much of a customer’s drink towards the end of the day, the drinks and the last bits of the cookies, and Emory was leaning against the wall scrolling through his phone.

“You know,” he said. “There’s a concert happening not too far from here, we should totally go to it.”

“Mm,” Felix said. “Never been to a concert before.”

“Oh, they rock.”

Felix stretched their foot out so their ankle was crossed over Emory’s. “We should probably not be sitting on the counters,” they said.

“You are probably very correct,” Emory said. He twitched his foot and Felix’s foot bounced slightly.

“We’re the worst employees ever,” Felix said.

Emory grinned. “Yeahhhh we kinda are.”

Felix tilted their head. “Can you imagine if I hadn’t gotten this job?”

“Wow,” Emory said. “Wow. I can’t even imagine.”

Felix pursed their lips, pretending to be deep in thought for a moment, then grabbed a cookie and stuffed it in Emory’s mouth. Emory coughed and sputtered and swallowed and glared at them.

“Why you-” he snatched up a cookie himself and slid across the counter towards Felix.

Snickering, Felix slid off the counter and backed away, hands up in surrender. “I give, I give!” They were laughing so hard their sides hurt - Emory had cookie crumbs on his nose.

Emory chucked the cookie at Felix, who ducked. The cookie burst against the wall.

“Like I said,” Felix said. “We are the literal worst fucking employees ever.”

“Yeahhh,” Emory said. “I’ll go get a broom.” Laughing, he ducked into the back. Felix went over and started cleaning off the counters, sweeping crumbs into their hands and pushing them down the sink.

They leaned against the counter, looking out the front windows of the store. Snow was drifting down, catching the light of the street lamps, glittering softly in piles where it landed, coming down faster and faster.

“Em,” Felix called back over their shoulder. “We should go make snow angels.”

No response.

The dread was back, full force, twisting in Felix’s stomach. They pushed away from the counter. “Emory?”

Still nothing.

_ It could be nothing _ , Felix told themself. Their heartbeat was picking up speed.  _ He could be in the bathroom, he could have just stepped out back _ .

They told themself that, but they didn’t believe it.

“Emory?”

They headed for the back room.

Something was wrong. 

Something was very, very wrong.

The lights to the back room were on, but Emory was

nowhere

to be

seen.

The only sign of Felix’s coworker was the broom that he had gone to grab, lying abandoned by the back door.

_ Fuck _ .

Felix wrenched the door open and was outside in the snow in an instant. They weren’t wearing a jacket or hat or gloves or any sort, and the snow was coming down fast and hard, but Felix didn’t care.

“Emory!”

It was dark, there was snow, and they

couldn’t

see

anything.

“Fuck fuck  _ fuck _ . EMORY!”

“Fe-”

Felix heard Emory, heard the beginning of their name, before Emory’s voice was cut off abruptly. It had come from the left.

Felix headed left.

Their heart was thundering, in their throat, their ears were pounding,  _ please let him be okay _ -

Felix stumbled blindly in the direction Emory’s shout had come from, following the road, looking for something, anything-

There.

Footprints.

Felix picked up their speed because the snow was coming down faster than ever and it was starting to bury the prints, and if they were buried there was no way in fucking  _ hell _ that they would be able to find Emory then.

And then just like that

there was Emory.

He wasn’t alone.

“You,” Felix said.

Verix Clearris let go of their fistful of Emory’s hair, Emory, who was frozen, who looked rigid with fear, whose eyes widened upon seeing Felix. Felix didn’t know if it was from relief or worry or both.

“Hello,” Clearris said, smiling at Felix. “You’re the lover, if I recall properly?”

“Get away from him,” Felix snarled. Their phone was in their hand in an instant. “Or I’m calling the fucking police.”

“Is that so?” Clearris said. They were still smiling. “I don’t think Emory wants you calling the police.” They looked at Emory. “Do you?”

Emory swallowed, looking from Clearris to Felix and back again. He seemed utterly at a loss for words.

“I already  _ told  _ you,” Felix said, thumbing into their phone and getting to the keypad. “I don’t give a fuck what stupid fucking blackmail you have on him. You are  _ not going near him again _ .”

Felix looked at Emory.

They didn’t want to call the police if Emory didn’t want them to, but at the same time…

Clearris smiled, glancing at Emory, and the look in their eyes, the same  _ fucking possessive look _ -

Felix made a split second decision, because this was-

This was what they wished someone had done for  _ them  _ a long, long time ago.

They dialed.

Put the phone on speaker.

Silenced it.

“Stay the fuck away from him,” Felix said. Loud enough.  _ Pick up on my voice pick up on my voice _ -

Clearris laughed softly. “And you’re going to make me?”

Emory was shaking and Felix strode forward, shoving through the snow the last few paces so they stood in between Emory and Clearris.

“Yes,” they said.

Clearris looked at Felix, a rather smug expression on their face, and then their hand whipped out and wrapped in Felix’s hair, yanking them close.

They were close, too fucking close, Felix’s skin itched and their body was screaming to get away from this  _ fucking creep _ , then Clearris’s mouth right next to Felix’s ear, and then they were whispering. “I don’t really think you want to stand up for this murderer,” they said. Pleasantly.

Felix wrenched away from them, or tried to - Clearris’s hand was still wrapped in Felix’s hair.

“Shut the fuck up,” Felix snapped.

Clearris was still smiling and they released Felix. “Very well,” they said. Their gaze flicked down to the phone in Felix’s hand. Felix had entirely forgotten about it. “I think it is time for me to make my leave,” they said.

They turned.

And walked away.

Felix’s entire body was tense until they were out of sight, then they instantly turned to Emory. “Are you okay?”

Emory was shaking, his eyes were on Felix’s hair. “Oh god, F-Felix,” he said.

“Hey,” Felix said. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

Emory nodded, his eyes shining -  _ god he needs to just fucking cry _ \- and Felix hesitated, but good fucking lord Emory needed a hug, so they stepped forward and raised their eyebrows, offering.

Emory nodded,

Felix wrapped him in a hug, holding him as tight as they could.

“It’s going to be okay,” they said, their voice muffled by Emory’s shirt.

The police arrived ten minutes later. Emory and Felix were sitting on a bench outside of the Starbucks, wearing proper layers now. Emory had barely said anything since Clearris had vanished into the woods.

When the police cars pulled up Felix stood, glancing at Emory. “I’ll handle this,” they said.

Emory nodded. It didn’t look like he was processing fucking anything.

Felix’s stomach was a knot of nerves, they were so fucking concerned about Emory, about Clearris, about fucking everything, but the only thing they could do now was explain to the cops-

So they went over to the cops and explained that Clearris was Emory’s landlord, that they’d stalked them, attacked them, Felix told the cops where Clearris had disappeared to, and a few peeled off in that direction immediately.

Felix relaxed slightly, glancing over their shoulder back towards where Emory appeared lost in thought outside the coffee shop.

It was going to be okay.

It was going to be okay.

“Hey,” one of the officers said suddenly. Felix looked back at him. “You Felix West?”

_ Fear _ .

“Why?” Felix said cautiously.

The officer tilted his head, looking confused, worried, relieved. “Missing persons report- my god, you are.”

_ No. _

_ No. _

_ No. _

“Have you been- are you okay? Where have you been? Are you hurt-” The officer let out a barrage of questions but Felix didn’t process any of them.

A missing persons report.

A  _ fucking missing persons report. _

The officer took a breath, seeming to realize that he’d overwhelmed Felix, although Felix was sure he had no idea the  _ reason  _ Felix had been fucking overwhelmed. “You should go check on your boyfriend,” the officer said. “He looks pretty rattled.”

Felix nodded. “Yeah.”

The officer was going

to

call

Moran

and

Ola.

And Emory was having a fucking breakdown, and Clearris was out there with police after them, and everything was  _ crumbling _ .

Before Felix realized it they were sitting next to Emory on the bench. Numb.

“Are you okay?” they asked, even though that question was dumb as fuck.

A moment where neither of them said anything.

Emory reached out and took Felix’s hand. “Thanks,” he said.

Felix leaned against his shoulder. “Always, Em.”

The snow descended around them, frosting their shoulders, their hair, the ground.

It was going to be a dark winter.

  
  



	14. missing person report

The officers were talking amongst themselves, talking on walkie talkies. Felix avoided looking at them, because they knew what the conversation must have been about, and Felix didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.

Instead, they focused on Emory.

The two of them were holding hands. Felix didn’t remember when that happened, who had taken whose hand, but Felix was eternally grateful for it. The snow swirled around them, glittering in the gentle glow of the streetlights. A little pile was gathering on top of Emory’s head and Felix, laughing a little, reached out and brushed it off.

Emory hesitated, then wrapped his arm around Felix, resting his cheek on top of their head. “Thanks,” he said.

Felix smirked. “Yes, well, didn’t want you to get buried in snow, I like your face too much.”

“Not about that,” Emory said.

“I know.”

They sat for a minute. Quiet.

Felix tried not to think about Clearris, or what they’d said.  _ I really don’t think you want to stand up for this murderer _ . They were trying to get in Felix’s head. That was it.

That was  _ it _ .

Emory looked over at the officers. “I wonder if they- if C-Clearis-” he stopped, mouth twisting in frustration.

Felix squeezed his hand. “The cops are going to find them and arrest them. It’ll be okay.”

“How do you know that?” Emory said. “How can you just say it’s going to be okay?”

Felix watched the cops.

It wasn’t going to be okay.

_ Missing persons report. _

_ Fucking missing persons report _ .

They could barely breathe. They focused on Emory. Smiled. “Would you believe me if I said I could tell the future?”

“Nah,” Emory said. “If you could you would have seen this mess and never applied to work at Starbucks in the first place.”

Felix rotated on the bench so they were fully facing Emory and gave him a stare. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Emory didn’t meet their eyes.

“You do comprehend I’d be dead twice over without you, right?” Felix snapped.

Emory looked up.

“Yeah, but-”

“Is this about Clearris? Because they didn’t hurt me. They barely fucking touched me,” Felix said. “It’s you who-” They stopped, letting out a frustrated breath. “I’m  _ fine _ , Emory. I wouldn’t give up knowing you for anything.”

“Then what did they whisper to you?”

A chill shot through Felix.

_ I really don’t think you want to stand up for this murderer. _

“Felix,” Emory said. “What. did. they. say.”

Emory couldn’t be a murderer.

He couldn’t be.

This was  _ Emory _ .

Emory, who cuddled cats and geeked out about Marvel movies. Emory, who had driven Felix to the hospital, no questions asked, who’d saved them from the fucking closet.

_ Murderer _ .

“Nothing,” Felix said, standing up. Their eyes were on the officers. Felix didn’t want to go over there, to ask them anything, but they knew they should probably find out what was going to happen next, if Clearris had been found, if the officers were going to call-

Emory caught Felix’s hand. “Felix, wait. What did they-”

Felix jerked their hand away. “Stop.”

Emory stood up. “ _ Felix.” _

“I said fucking  _ stop _ , okay?” Felix snapped.

“Why won’t you tell me?” Emory said, running his hands through his hair then pulling them away and clenching his fists. “God, Felix, just  _ tell me _ .”

“I’m going to talk to the cops,” Felix said. “You can stay here or not. I don’t care.” They stalked away, their gut clenched.

_ Murderer _ .

It was  _ Emory _ .

Emory didn’t follow them.

“Hey, so, what the fuck,” Felix said to the cops, crossing their arms to hide that their hands were trembling. “You going to tell us what’s going on? Did you find the asshole?”

“We did,” one of the cops said. “They’re in custody at the moment.”

Felix threw their hands up. “What the fuck? You just weren’t going to tell us?”

“We just got word ourselves,” the cop said. “The others are taking them to the station as we speak.”

“Awesome,” Felix said. They resisted the urge to look back and see what Emory was doing. “You mind fucking telling  _ him that? _ ”

Another officer nodded and split off. Felix glanced at the first cop, the one who’d recognized Felix as the  _ fucking missing person _ .

“Can I go home now?” Felix asked.

They didn’t know where they were going to go.

Emory’s apartment?

Not back to Moran and Ola.

The cop nodded. “We’ll escort you home. Your parents have been notified that we found you--they’ll be thrilled to see you.”

_ Fucking hell _ .

There went that, there went pretending that the missing person report just didn’t exist.

“I can get home myself, thanks,” Felix said.

The cop shook his head. “It’s the middle of the night and it’s a blizzard. Really, it’s no problem.”

Felix stared at him for a long moment.

A long

long moment.

They’d known this past month was too good to be true.

Deep inside them, Felix thought they’d always known.

_ Murderer. _

_ Missing person’s report. _

They swallowed.

At least they could be with Jackie again.

Nodded.

“Okay.”

It was cold in the back of the police car. Felix hadn’t looked back to see what Emory was doing.

It might’ve killed them, to look back.

The cop kept up casual conversation, probably trying to relieve the tension. Felix barely heard a word he said.

It was a dream, pulling up in front of their house. A horrible fucking nightmare. It was too surreal. They hadn’t been here since Emory had carried them out.

_ Emory _ .

They would not think about Emory.

It had been too good to be true, that was all. They had to get back to fucking reality.

Ola opened the door when the police officer knocked. She saw Felix and her eyes widened, smiling, with  _ relief _ .

“Oh, sweetheart, thank  _ goodness _ !” She enveloped Felix in a hug. They were rigid and trying not to be and everything was too much too constraining her perfume was smothering-

She let go and looked at the officer. “Thank you so much for finding them,” she said, wiping away  _ fake fucking tears _ .

The officer nodded. “Of course, ma’am. Anything. Please let us know if you need anything else, alright?”

Ola nodded. Her hand was wrapped around Felix’s.

They were glass.

They were breaking.

No, they were  _ broken _ .

“Thank you so much officer,” Ola said again. She looked at Felix. “Honey, let’s go inside. Jackie has been so worried. We all have.”

Jackie.

Felix nodded wordlessly and followed her inside.

Jackie was sitting at the kitchen table doing schoolwork. She looked up when Felix walked in and her eyes went wide. “Felix!”

“Jackie,” Felix said, finding it suddenly hard to swallow. “Hi.”

Jackie looked at them for a long moment then stood up, slamming her textbook closed. “I’m going to bed,” she said. She stalked down the hall and Felix heard her door slam.

Ola was suppressing a smile.

“What?” Felix snarled, rounding on her.

“Nothing,” Ola said. “Just, you can’t expect to run away and not have consequences.”

Consequences.

Felix would have preferred  _ anything _ over this.

A lighter.

The closet.

The fucking  _ stove _ .

_ Jackie thinks I abandoned her. _

_ I did abandon her. _

“Go to bed, Felix,” Ola said coldly.

“What did you tell her?” Felix said dully, looking at the woman who claimed she cared about them.

Ola shrugged. “The truth. You didn’t like it here, you left. You were living with your boyfriend now.”

Felix had almost forgotten Moran talking about Emory, the fact that he knew, so of course Ola would know too, and Jackie-

_ I never should have fucking left _ .

Ola smiled, tilting her head. “Are you planning on staying?”

Felix didn’t answer.

“Are you?”

Their fingers dug into their palms.

Ola laughed softly. “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time to decide. Plenty of time to see if Jackie even wants you to stay anymore.”

Felix clenched their teeth so hard their head hurt. Focused on breathing.

“Go to bed,” Ola said again.

What else was there to do?

Felix went to bed.

Jackie was sleeping, or pretending to be sleeping, when Felix entered the room quietly, crossing to their bed and sitting down. Breathing.

The walls were too close the ceiling was too short they couldn’t breathe-

“Felix?” Jackie. Felix looked over at her. Fingers digging into their palms.

“Yeah?”

“Do you just not care anymore?”

“I- I do care,” they said. “Jackie, I’m-”

“No,” Jackie said. “I’m not going by Jackie anymore. That’s a kid's name. It’s Jacqueline.”

“Oh,” Felix said. “Okay. Sorry.”

Felix’s sister rolled over and faced the wall. “You would have known that if you’d been here.”

Felix closed their eyes and tried not to cry.

  
  



	15. the boyfriend

Felix was still sleeping.

Good.

Jacqueline was up, getting ready for school. It was the first day, returning from winter break. Moran would have to tell Felix’s teachers that they were sick, or some shit like that. He wasn’t concerned.

He closed the door to Felix and Jacqueline’s bedroom, slipping something in his pocket as he did so. Locked the door behind him.  _ Click _ .

“Dad?” Jacqueline said from behind him. He turned away from the door, eyes briefly raking the scorched bottom edge, before looking at Jacqueline.

“Yeah?”

Jacqueline was looking at the jacket draped over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. “Why didn’t Felix even try to talk to us?”

Moran sighed. “Felix doesn’t care as much as they pretend to, Jacqueline.”

“I guess.”

Moran wrapped her in a side-hug, taking a sip from his coffee. “People change, Jacqueline.”

Blocking Felix’s contact on their sister’s phone had been one of Ola’s best ideas to date.

And then Jacqueline was gone, off on the school bus, and Moran was alone in the kitchen with the jacket, still draped over the back of the chair. His wife was off at the university, and Moran’s work didn’t start up until noon. He had plenty of time.

Time to deal with something he should have handled himself a long time ago.

The jacket went in the dumpster on the way to his car.

“Really?” The Starbucks manager was pasty and rotund, as though he didn’t work a day in his life. He looked down at the letter Moran had handed him. “But Felix was one of our hardest workers.”

Moran shrugged. “They said they want to focus on their schoolwork more. It is their senior year, after all.”

“I suppose…” the manager lifted the paper. “Pity they couldn’t come in themself to tell us.”

“Maybe they’re not as responsible as you thought,” Moran suggested. He flicked the corner of the paper. “They signed it.”

“I see that.” The manager sighed and slid the paper in his desk drawer. “Alright, well, thank you for telling me, Mr. West. Anything else I can help you with?”

“No,” Moran said. “That’s it.”

He was on his way out when he saw the  _ boyfriend _ . He was cleaning tables, almost robotically, looking down.

Moran strode over to him and tapped his shoulder. “Excuse me.”

The boyfriend jumped a tiny bit, so small that most other people wouldn’t have picked up on it, but Moran had a good eye for those kinds of things. Then the boyfriend seemed to realize who it was, and his eyes narrowed.

“You,” he said.

“Me,” Moran said, smiling.

“What are you doing here?” The boyfriend was clearly avoiding the question he was dying to ask.  _ Where’s Felix? _

“Just delivering Felix’s letter of resignation for them.”

“Their-”

“I think we need to talk,” Moran said.

Emory looked at him for a minute--Moran noted that his fists were clenched, so he was scared, or angry, either way that was  _ good _ \--before saying curtly, “I have a break in ten minutes.”

Moran sipped his coffee--multiple shots of espresso, nothing else--and waited. After eight minutes, the phone in Moran’s pocket buzzed. He slipped it out. It wasn’t his phone, it was Felix’s, and the text was from someone named  _ Emory _ .

The boyfriend.

_ Felix,  _ the text said.  _ I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now, but your dad is here. He said you’re resigning. Are you okay? _

Moran let out a quiet laugh and sipped his drink again, typing with one hand.

_ Fuck off _ .

He clicked the phone off and slipped it back in his pocket.

It didn’t buzz again.

The boyfriend--Emory--came out a few minutes later. He folded his arms. “What do you want?”

Moran was reminded of the boyfriend’s behavior in the hospital when he’d fended off Moran’s attempts to see his child, his  _ own  _ child.

“You need to stay away from Felix,” Moran said. Direct. To the point. He didn’t think Emory would appreciate anything else, any sugarcoating. Besides, Moran much preferred this. He hid a smile as the expression on Emory’s face froze just slightly, as he drew back. Moran watched, then, his face harden.

Interesting.

“I think you’re the one who should stay away from Felix,” Emory said levelly.

“I’m their father,” Moran said.

Emory’s eyes flared. “So?”

“Interesting,” Moran said, tilting his head. “And your parents are where…?”

“Did you want something?” Emory said harshly.

“Ah, right,” Moran said. “Take a walk with me?”

“No,” Emory said. “What. do. you. want.”

Clearly this absolute idiot couldn’t pick up on the signs that Moran was so  _ clearly  _ laying out, the signs that Felix didn’t care, that Felix didn’t  _ want  _ this stupid boyfriend’s concern. Moran wasn’t worried, though.

“Ah, yes. Stay away from Felix, or you’ll regret it,” he said. In his pocket, his hand wrapped around the lighter--it was his favorite one, it was the easiest to light, and he liked the sound of it--but he didn’t want to resort to that, especially not right in front of the coffee shop.

“Too bad,” Emory said. His fists were still clenched.

“Interesting,” Moran said. “You don’t care, then, about your own well-being?”

Emory just glared at him.

Moran pulled his lighter out and turned it over in his hand, over and over and over, watching it. He wanted to light it.

God, he loved the feeling of power he had, just holding it, and it wasn’t even lit yet. Emory’s eyes were on the lighter but he didn’t look afraid, he looked angry. He stepped closer to Moran, who didn’t move.

The  _ boyfriend’s _ voice was deadly quiet. “Where is Felix and what the fuck did you do to them.”

Ah, well. Onto Moran’s next idea. In fact, his favorite one. “Nothing,” he said.

Emory’s eyebrows creased like he didn’t quite believe that.

Wise. But for once, Moran wasn’t lying.

“Yet,” he added.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean,” Emory snarled.

“I’m just saying,” Moran said. He flicked the lighter on, now, and passed one calloused finger through the flame briefly. “I would hate for you to have to get involved and for Felix to get hurt.”

“What are you  _ talking about _ ?”

“I just don’t want a repeat of the hospital,” Moran said casually. “Running off with you wasn’t really in Felix’s best interests, now was it?”

The look on the boyfriend’s face confirmed Moran’s suspicions, that Emory had indeed been the person who had broken into the house when no one else was home, broken in and broken Felix  _ out _ , even though it was perfectly within Moran’s rights to ground his  _ own child _ .

Moran snapped the lighter off and caught it in his fist. “Alright, that’s all I wanted to say,” he said, smiling. “Have a good day.” He turned and strode away.

It was a beautiful winter day, not too cold considering the date, the sun shining through the treetops and casting glitters across the fresh snow. Moran enjoyed trekking through the white powder, leaving a trail of destruction behind him.

A few blocks away from the Starbucks, Moran stopped and pulled out Felix’s phone. There was a single new text.

From Emory.

_ You’re right. You’re better off without me. _

Moran laughed.

The phone joined the jacket in the dumpster.

  
  



	16. star girl

Jackie was gone when Felix woke up. It was the first thing Felix registered after surprise that they’d actually slept. They supposed, though, that staying up all night in a snowstorm could make you tired enough to sleep, even in a place like this fucking one.

And Jackie’s bed was empty. She must have already left for school--somewhere in the back of Felix’s mind they registered that it was supposed to be the first day back in school. They wondered if Moran was going to make them go. Jackie’s bed was neatly made, the covers pulled tight. They looked as tense as Felix felt, slowly getting out of bed.

And the door was locked.

_ No _ .

Felix clenched their teeth, breathing intentionally, focusing on in and out and in and out and in and out.

_ Not again _ .

There was no fire, Felix reminded themself.

There was  _ no fire _ .

It didn’t stop themself from breathing far too quickly--they just couldn’t. get. enough. air-- and backing away from the door. They stumbled over Jackie’s bed and ended sitting on their own, pressed against the far wall, knees drawn up.

_ Breathe Felix fucking breathe _ .

The door unlocked half an hour later, or maybe it was three hours. Felix had tried to read to get their mind off- they’d tried to listen to music but they couldn’t find their phone- tried to write an essay due for school, but they couldn’t focus on any of it. So they’d just sat.

Moran stood in the doorway. Felix looked at him. He looked back at them. Exuded contempt. For a brief second he seemed to look at Felix’s shirt, and smiled, then he turned and walked away. Glancing at the window, Felix saw that it was almost the middle of the day. Moran was probably heading to work.

Every muscle in Felix’s body was tense, their stomach clenched. They didn’t know what to expect. They didn’t know what the right thing to do was-- worse, they didn’t know what the  _ wrong  _ thing to do was.

But they weren’t staying in their bedroom. When they left their room, the kitchen was  _ thank god, abandoned _ . They were starving so they crossed over to the counter and grabbed an apple before slipping outside as quickly as possible.

They weren’t staying in that fucking kitchen a second longer than they had to. In that fucking house.

It was warm outside, at least for being as late in the year that it was. Puffy white clouds meandered their way across a gray sky. It was still fairly cold, though, and goosebumps were raised all along their arms, their fingers already starting to go numb. Felix looked down at their arms, realized they were just wearing a t-shirt, and half turned back to the house. Emory’s jacket- where was it-

Moran’s eyes on their shirt.

_ Oh, that fucker _ .

Felix drew a shaky breath. It was fine. This was fine. The less they had that reminded them of Emory, the better.

_ I shouldn’t have left without talking to him _ .

Emory probably thought they hated him.

Emory probably hated them.

If he did, it was justified.

_ God _ , Felix thought, clenching their fists around the fabric of the jacket sleeves, pacing away from the house.  _ I shouldn’t have let Clearris- that fucking- I shouldn’t have let them get in my head _ .

Felix was, quite literally, the worst.

Emory had just been through a super fucking traumatic event, and sure Clearris was arrested now, but Emory was _alone now_ and Felix had left him _alone_ and good fucking god _why_ _did I leave?_

The reasonable part of Felix told them that they’d had no choice, they’d had the officer’s eyes on them, the walkie talkie in hand, ready to call in a runaway if Felix didn’t go  _ fucking home _ .

The larger part of Felix said they could have done something,  _ anything _ differently. At least explained to Emory. At  _ least _ that.

They didn’t believe a thing Clearris had said about Emory, and even if it was true, Felix should have given him the  _ benefit of the doubt _ , should have  _ heard it from him _ . Instead they’d let their fear take over and they’d left and probably hurt him worse than ever.

Felix was shivering and they shoved their hands into the pockets of their jeans, wrinkled from Felix sleeping in them.

They were going to stay the fuck away from Emory. Every time they went near him, he got hurt.

_ Everyone _ Felix went near got hurt.

“Hi,” a voice said, and Felix was jerked back to reality.

Their feet had taken them away from the house and to a small playground two blocks away. Broken down, paint peeling, the tire swing the only functional thing about it, Felix was surprised to see someone here. It was a girl who looked around Jackie’s age with long dark hair. She was laying across the tire swing looking up at the sky, but when Felix didn’t say anything for a minute, just looking at her, she lifted her head and looked at them. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Felix snapped.

“You don’t look fine,” the girl said quietly. She yawned and sat up.

Felix folded their arms and swallowed, fully prepared to think of something to say to get her to forget about them, forget about the fact that it probably looked like they’d just been crying because they  _ had _ -

But she was no longer looking at them. Instead, she was holding one of the chains of the tire swing and looking up at the sky.

“I wonder how far away they are,” she said quietly. Felix didn’t know if she even registered that they were there.

They were just thankful she was no longer looking at them with that gaze, that gaze that was just slightly too wise for a fifteen year old girl.

“How far away what are?” Felix asked. Their voice was still sharp. Brittle.

“The stars,” she said. She raised her hand and pointed. Felix saw a few stars, but it was daylight and it was cloudy.

“Okay,” they said. “Far away. Clearly. They’re fucking stars.”

The girl returned her gaze to them. “You’re cold,” she said.

Felix was, indeed, fucking freezing. “I’m fine.”

“You’re also tired,” she said. “And sad.”

Felix narrowed their eyes at her. “And this is any of your business fucking  _ how _ ?” They didn’t know they’d gotten back on this topic, on talking about themself, but they did.

not

like it.

The star girl returned to looking at the sky. “If you want to talk, you can,” she said mildly.

Felix gritted their teeth. “I’m  _ fine _ .”

“Okay,” star girl said. She was quiet for a minute, then she looked over at them again. “I have homework,” she said. “For school. I’m going back tomorrow and it’s due then. Can you help with it?”

Felix stared at her.

This was  _ their thing _ .

_ They  _ were the one who brought up stupid things to distract people.

People didn’t do this for  _ Felix _ .

_ Emory did _ , a tiny voice whispered in the back of Felix’s head.

Waffles

movies

twizzlers

holding hands

blankets

sweaters

restaurants

dates

cereal together

walking to work

kisses

hugs

just  _ being _

Felix shoved it all away. They couldn’t think about that right now or they would cry. They  _ couldn’t think about that right now _ because it wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t fucking realistic, this was the real world, Felix was back, and they couldn’t think about Emory because if they did they would

b r e a k.

“Are you okay?” star girl asked and Felix was jerked back to the present.

“Fine,” they said. “And yes I’ll fucking help you with your stupid fucking project.”

They sat down on the ground by the tire swing and immediately regretted it, the snow soaking into their pants.

“The swing’s dry,” star girl said, pulling a folder out of a backpack on the ground near her and settling back on one side of the tire swing. Felix hesitated, then sat down across from her, tucking their legs in. She grinned and bumped Felix’s knee with hers. Felix smiled back at her and leaned over to look at her project. They actually recognized it, they thought they’d seen Jackie working on something similar when school let out.

“Yeah, this is pretty simple,” Felix said, pointing out the keywords in the assignment that would help. After a minute or two they got into a rhythm--they were good at explaining things, they used to help Jackie with her homework all the time--and forgot about how cold they were, forgot about the hunger still gnawing at them, forgot about Moran and Ola and Jackie waiting for them at home, and forgot about Emory.

Star girl’s knee was still against Felix’s, and rather than jerking away or snapping at her, Felix let it stay there. It was… comforting.

She was someone who didn’t know, didn’t know all the fucking shit and baggage Felix had, and that alone was a relief.

She  _ didn’t know _ .

They didn’t have to deal with pity-laden looks, with her tensing if  _ fire  _ was mentioned around Felix, they didn’t have to deal with careful questions, phrased just right so they were  _ gentle,  _ so fucking  _ gentle,  _ like Felix was  _ breakable. _

They didn’t have to deal with any of it. They could just breathe.

In the back of Felix’s head they knew they’d have to deal with it sooner or later. Probably sooner rather than later.

But for now they just let themself

_ breathe. _

  
  



	17. better

Two months passed. Everything was a blur.

Felix went to school.

They came home. They weren’t working at Starbucks anymore. Moran had made it explicitly clear they weren’t allowed. And anyway, it was better this way.

Better.

That’s what they told themself, anyway.

Better.

Better, even though Jackie was cold and distant. Better, even though they had no job now, nowhere to go to get out of the house, because they sure as hell weren’t going to go back to Starbucks to do their work.

Better, even though Moran was angry,  _ so angry _ , about Felix trying to leave--and succeeding, for a short time.

Better.

Because Emory was safe.

Clearris was in jail. Felix was no longer around to cause  _ problem after problem _ .

Better this way.

School was hell. Felix had never had very many friends before, had never been particularly  _ liked _ , but now it was worse, because Felix no longer gave a single fuck about trying.

They earned detention after detention because they  _ didn’t care _ , and because it was somewhere else to be. Somewhere  _ not home _ .

They did the bare minimum to keep their grades up.

They were counting the days until they turned eighteen, but they didn’t know what they were going to do when they did. They had no money.

No money, and no job.

This was  _ fine _ .

It was better.

On a cold gray day they were waiting to walk home from school with Jackie, much as they knew Jackie would despise that; Ola usually did, and Jackie preferred that, but Ola was on a field trip with her own students going to an experimental psychology lab.

Felix waited out front of the building. They’d made sure not to get a detention for today because then Jackie would have had to walk to the bus station alone.

They were waiting with a paperback copy of Moby Dick open, making notes in the margins with a pencil, when the book was ripped out of their hands. Felix looked up. A tall senior with red hair--a jock, so no wonder Felix didn’t know his name--was holding the book, grinning. He flipped it closed and looked at the cover.

“Moby  _ Dick _ , haha,” he said, grinning a little. “Sounds a little gay to me bro.”

Felix was tense. “I’ll take that back, thanks.”

“Nahhh.” The jock tossed it aside. Felix tried not to wince as it crashed into the ground. “Anyway, bro, what’s your name again?”

Behind the jock, the doors of the school opened and a chattering group of younger girls came out.

“Hey, earth to book boy,” the jock snapped his fingers in front of Felix’s face and Felix involuntarily flinched back, their breath catching in their throat, heart skipping a beat. Then they were just tense, glaring at the jock, trying not to think about  _ lighters in front of their face _ or  _ book “boy” _ .

“You can fuck off,” Felix said.

“Nahh, bro.” The jock looked Felix over, Felix was so tense, they wanted  _ out of here _ but they were  _ waiting for Jackie _ \- “You’re totally gay then, right,” the jock said. “Like, you definitely have a fucking boyfriend or some shit.” The jock slung his arm over Felix’s shoulders and they were  _ rigid _ , they  _ couldn’t breathe _ \- “Where’s your boyfriend?” the jock pretended to scan the crowd. “Come on, where’s your boyfriend?”

Felix ducked away from under the jock’s arm, they  _ had to get away _ \- but the jock had a grip on their collar and oh my  _ god why can’t people just leave me alone- _

Then there was Jackie. She was looking at Felix, looking at the jock, just looking confused, still that slightly distant look in her eyes. “Felix?”

“Ahh, Felix!” The jock grinned down at Felix, letting go of them. “What a super fun name, bro.”

Felix shoved their shaking hands into their pockets and gave the jock the most sarcastic smile they could summon. “Thanks,  _ so _ glad you like it.”

Another voice. “Felix?”

Felix’s heart stopped. They turned.

Emory was standing a few paces away, next to an about-fifteen year old girl with dark pigtails. Just. Looking at Felix.

“Ooohhh,” the jock said and his arm was around Felix’s shoulders again, heavy too heavy and not at all friendly. “Is  _ this _ the boyfriend?”

Emory’s eyes widened but not more than the girl next to them, whose eyes popped wide, and who clapped her hands. “Ooh, Emory, is this your girlfriend?”

Felix shrugged out from under the jock’s arm and took two quick steps away- away from the jock, away from the girl staring at them, away from  _ Emory _ . Emory, who was still  _ just looking at them _ .

“Jackie,” Felix said, and it took herculean effort to keep their voice steady. “You ready to go?”

Jackie was looking from Emory to the jock to the girl. She ignored Felix. “Jaydin, who’s this?”

“Emoryyy,” Jaydin said, pulling a bag of hot cheetos out from her pocket and popping it open. “He’s kinda stupid but he’s my babysitter, my parent hires him.” She frowned a little. “Now stupid Emory has to watch me even more.”

Felix wasn’t looking at Emory they weren’t looking at him they  _ weren’t going to look at him. _

“Come on, Jackie.”

Jackie looked at them and that  _ distant look  _ and she shook her head. “Jaydin and I are going to go to Starbucks,” she said. She lifted her phone. “I’ll text mom and let her know.”

Her phone. Felix hadn’t had a phone in two months, but it was fine, it was better that way.

They swallowed. “Okay.” What was there for them to do?

Jackie turned and walked away and Jaydin beamed at Felix. “Byeeeeeeee, Emory’s girlfriend!” She bounced away.

The jock was laughing. Felix could have hit him except they couldn’t, or they wouldn’t, because they were a fucking coward and they were  _ weak _ .

So they just turned around and walked away.

They felt Emory’s eyes burning into their back.

They didn’t look back.

Felix was two blocks away when Emory caught up. “Felix, wait.”

They turned. “What.”

“I-” Conflicting emotions warred on Emory’s face. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Felix snapped. “Did you want something?”

It was  _ better _ this way. 

Emory hesitated for a long minute, then shook his head. “No. No, sorry.” His hands were in his pockets. “I’ll- leave you alone. It’s probably better-” he just shook his head and turned back around.

Felix’s hands were shaking.

_ Better _ .

It was. It was better this way, it  _ had  _ to be.

_ Stop him,  _ a voice was shouting in Felix’s head.  _ Fucking stop him you  _ coward _. _

They couldn’t. They  _ couldn’t _ .

It wasn’t just about protecting Emory.

It was that he  _ knew. _

He knew  _ everything _ about Felix. He knew about Moran, about the fire, the closet, he’d  _ seen them broken _ .

Felix didn’t know what they were without hiding it. Hiding all of it.

And Emory knew, so what even  _ was  _ Felix, around him? Nothing.

It was better this way.

Emory walked away and Felix watched him go and they quietly

broke.

“Wait.”

Emory stopped. Turned.

They just looked at each other. Felix was shaking.

“It’s not,” they said.

Emory came back a few steps, apprehensive, but a hint of  _ something _ in his eyes.

Hope?

“Not what?” Emory asked. Quietly.

“Better,” Felix said. “It’s not better this stupid fucking way.”

Because it really

really

wasn’t. 

  
  



End file.
